Guilt

Twice in the last three days has an old wound been prodded in my heart. Since high school I have carried the guilt of the vilest sin. I am a murderer. I killed my Lord. I know that it was my sin that deserved the cross, the cross should have been mine. But in an act of unfathomable grace Jesus took it upon himself. He laid on the cross as I took the hammer in my hand and violently drove the nails into his flesh. Maybe that is why I have compassion on Judas, on Peter, on the soliders, Pilate, Caiphas, I see myself no different from them. Even as I proclaim the fact that Jesus died so that we might be forgiven, I stand in condemnation of myself. I can only begin to imagine the cost of my sin and to know that Jesus did that for me, because of me, I am haunted by a guilt that I cannot escape.

Guilt has kept me in bondage for far too long. Every time I condemn myself I say that I am beyond his forgiveness, which is a lie. God brought a passage to me this morning during Communion. Hebrews 10 is all about how Christ sacrifice was the final one required, his blood was the perfect offering for atonement.

"If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins." (10:2)

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Christ came not only to forgive us from our sins, but also to free us from the guilt that they bring. How amazingly humbling is that realization to one who has long been condemned by guilt of sins? How freeing!!

It's been almost 5 years since I wrote this poem, while on my Chrysalis flight, but the truths in it still speak loud.

"The Ruined Cross" or "The Priceless Gift"

The ruined cross lay before me
the evidence was clear
every nail that I had driven
had caused another tear.

And as I watched my sins amount
from the heart of Christ
a crimson flow
burst out.

Soon the cross was covered
not a splinter left.
For with my nail holes
God gave the Priceless gift.