Modern-day Mystic

Name:
Location: Fredericksburg, Texas, United States

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The heart of God

(Quick recap since I haven't posted in...nevermind...I've gotten engaged, been held hostage by 10 hours of MDiv classes and took a pilgrimage to Israel in January).

How many of us have prayed to know the heart of God? How many of us know the dangers of such a prayer? How many of us have actually experienced such a staggering gift? Can a person receive such a gift without asking for it?

These are the questions that have been roiling in my subconscious since my experiences in Jerusalem. Over the four days my pilgrimage had me in the Holy City I experienced five aspects of the sorrowing heart of God. The first day I visited the Palm Sunday Road and stopped at a chapel built to commemorate Jesus' lament over Jerusalem, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing! (Luke 13:34). As I sat overlooking Jerusalem I felt the anguishing love of the Savior for those who openly rejected the offer of salvation, and I mourned.

Later that day I traveled to the Garden of Gethsemane and spent time attempting to pray the same prayer that Jesus prayed the night before his death, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done." (Luke 22:42). Even as I wrestled with my own will I understood that our Lord wrestled with bringing his human will into submission with his Father's will. It is a moment by moment struggle that mars our lives since the Garden of Eden.

The next day found me on the Via Dolorosa - the way of suffering. As I walked the stations of the cross I contemplated the love that compelled our Savior to endure this humiliation. Then I knelt at the place of the cross and the words of a beloved hymn came to mind, "Did ev'r such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown". Under the shadow of the cross I wept at the great cost that was paid for our sins.

The third day took me to the holocaust museum, specifically it was the children's memorial that rent my heart. In a stunningly simple and profound way the artist depicted the 1.5 million children who died during the holocaust. Here I was confronted with the pervasiveness of evil that destroys even the most innocent of lives.

The last day brought me to the Pool of Bethesda, a place of healing (John 5:6). There Jesus asked me the same question he asks all who are in need of healing, "Do you want to be made well"? The healing is offered before it was requested, the need revealed to the one still in need. Here I was led to consider the brokenness that still shapes my own life.

These five experiences were too profound and spread out to write off. Yet I did not understand what had happened to me while in Jerusalem. The only way I could describe it was I had received, what I called, 'the gift of sorrow'. I struggled for two weeks to put this into words for my professor, and for another two months I lived on the edge of tears at any moment. As the time has lapsed the sorrow has settled deeper into my being, but it is still able to be drawn out at a moment's notice.

Thankfully my professor was able to explain what had happened to me. He gave me a name for it, Penthos. A description - an ancient church tradition called 'the gift of tears' where someone comes to understand (in part) the brokenhearted love of God. He also gave me a book devoted to the topic (we are in seminary after all).

I do not remember praying for the heart of God while I was in Jerusalem. If I'd know the intensity of such a gift I probably would have been too scared to pray for it. Yet I recognize that I was given this most precious gift so I could love the way God loves. Now I wonder just what I am supposed to do with this gift.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Penthos

The Broken Heart surveying
a city, a world still unwilling
sits praying, mourning, lamenting
now in Heaven still interceding