When God falls silent

There are times in the Christian journey that God falls silent. It seems they happen more frequently the deeper faith becomes. Sometimes they are fleeting, the whole experience may only last for a day or two. It is barely recognizable that God has stopped speaking, his hand of favor may still rest upon a person. At other times it stretches on. For me, my first real experience with God's silence came in college. My faith was already being tested on so many levels and to have God withdraw from me nearly destroyed me. The silence lasted almost two whole years. It was made harder by the fact that even those I looked to for guidance were at a loss to explain what was happening, or why.

Eventually I was able to hear God again, but it was rarely as loud or as clear as it had been in the early years of my faith. For the 1st year at Seminary there were little "God whispers" almost weekly, subtle encouragements that I was still walking in God's will, I was where I was supposed to be.

My time in the desert, instead of increasing my trust, has severely undermined it. Now I'm terrified every time I think God has stopped talking to me. I don't want another 2 years of desperate imploring to fall on "deaf" ears.

What has stirred this all up, especially after I'd made peace about that growing experience ( I do appreciate it, I just don't want to have to repeat it)? God has stopped talking again. It's been....I honestly don't know, at least several months....the last time I heard from him directly. Sure there are echos of his voice through his Word, and his people around me, but it's not him.

Then the "other" voices begin to whisper,"Why bother serving a God who doesn't even love you enough to talk to you?" Which I recognize as a lie, I serve God because he died for me. The point is right now everything I'm doing is out of blind obedience. I don't know what I would be doing if it wasn't this. Sheer will power isn't enough to motivate for long, maybe a couple months at most. I'm exhausted, deep down weary in my soul. I'm pretending to those who know me best because I couldn't handle if they saw me fall apart (yes I recognize my struggle with pride). I'm also afraid that if I fall apart I won't be able to be put back together (which terrifies me). I'm going through all the motions in life and it's empty. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, to do Exegesis, because really "what does it matter to God". Then I wonder why should I bother talking to God if he isn't going to talk back to me, why be faithful to my devotional times every morning and every evening (I admit that I've grown lax the last couple weeks).

Then I feel guilty because didn't God do enough for me already???? I look at Calvary and think, what right have I to ask for anything more. What if it's not enough, what if I really do need God to speak, what kind of "loving" God would deny so pure a request? Isn't that what he says he wants from us?

What really makes me ill is that when others come to me with the same questions I can blithely give them reassurances of God's love and faithfulness. I feel like the scene from Lord of the Rings: the Return of the King when Lord Elrond gives the newly forged sword to Aragorn and he says "I give hope to men." Aragorn replies "I keep none for myself." I know (intellectually) faith is not without hope. Right now it just seems like it and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out, how many more battles I can fight before I fall, mortally wounded.