To surrender or to submit

Most people would say that they are essentially the same word. But I'm a words person, and I know that they are clearly not the same word. It is, unfortunately, the subtlest difference in the meanings that creates the dilemma for me. To surrender implies a military defeat, you give up or give in because you have been vanquished by a superior force, but only after giving it your best shot first. To submit has quite a different spin on it, it is a willingness to lay aside power and control, in deference to another, not because you have to, but because you desire to. Maybe I'm splitting hairs, or making too big a deal out of this, but it is where my heart is.

Am I willing to surrender to God only after I've exhausted myself trying to fight against him? This is the case most of the time, I throw fits and temper tantrums, and kick and scream, until I finally just pass out, and say "Ok, daddy" with a pout. And the truth of the matter is I act very much like a child a lot of the time, for all my "maturity" and being "old for my age". And I know it's time for me to grow up, "but I don't wanna".

To submit, is a mature choice. To realize that I need to lay aside my rights, my privileges, my desires for another's. To accept that when I'm told no it's not so that I can't have any fun. I don't like to be told no. And I really hate to admit that it's right. I fought so hard to get my independence, to be able to decide what to do, and when to do it. Now I'm being asked to submit to another's authority, and I'm chaffing and trying desperately not to pitch a fit. I want to be grown-up already. It's frustrating. I'm in a no win situation.