Modern-day Mystic

Divine Waste of Time

2010-08-25T11:59:00.002-04:00

I've been actually 'doing ministry' for the past 3 months. I've gotten settled into my first church appointment and getting used to all the 'pastoral' things a pastor does. I'm struggling a bit because for the last 20 years of my life I have been kept occupied with providing evidence of my work. There were papers and tests and the ever popular busy work that teachers used to fill the time in class. Life was simple, do the work --> hand it in --> get graded on it--> repeat. Now I find myself in a situation where I have very little to hand in, but the congregation will still grade me.

How do you count a 3 hour round trip to take communion to someone in a major hospital that asks for it? How does going to the hospital room of person who is sedated and intubated and praying with and for them count? How do I 'submit' the time I spend in meetings and in visiting parishoners in their homes? Yes I can 'produce' some things like Bible studies and sermons that can be quantified and evaluated by an audience, but how do I figure in the 8+ hours a week that are filled with sermon prep.

In the world outside the church my job would rank as one of the most inefficent ones out there. Yet I'm learning in the Kingdom economy that my work has enourmous value. That it isn't a waste of time to go and pray with a person who may never know I am there. That by sitting in the home of a wife grieving the loss of her husband shows she is of great value, that she is worth my time.

Sometimes it is hard for me to work the whole day and not have anything tangible to show for it, no way to prove I am working. But maybe this is what Jesus had in mind when he says what is done in secret is observed by the Father and will be noted in heaven. I'm finding ministry to be a divine waste of time

Ashes

2010-03-08T14:31:00.001-05:00

Black smears of imperfection
dark streaks on porcelain foundation
burned ashes from Celebration
marked by Kingdom Grace
signed for heart's Confession
destruction marred through Faith

Rejoice - the call to die

The Guest

2009-09-29T23:33:00.008-04:00

The Holy God - encompassed in a teenager's womb
Sacred Divinity - pressing on the ribs of a girl
Hospitality enfleshed - by a maiden
Her uterus - His first home
Her milk - His first meal
The God of the universe - dependent on the graciousness of a child
Incarnation - of guest and host

*inspired by my Ethics of Hospitality class

The Gospel All

2009-07-31T12:36:00.001-04:00

1 Timothy 2:1-7 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for everyone, for kings and all who are in high positions, so that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and dignity. This is right and is acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
For there is one God;
there is also one mediator between God and humankind,
Christ Jesus, himself human,
who gave himself a ransom for all

-- this was attested at the right time. For this I was appointed a herald and an apostle (I am telling the truth, I am not lying), a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth.

Feeling left out is something we’ve all experienced. You may not have been the last one picked on the playground, but maybe you were passed over when applying for a job or asking someone out on a date. When I was about eight I had asked my best friend to spend the night, she told me her mom said she couldn’t, and then later that night I found out she was already spending the night with another friend…and I hadn’t been asked to join them. Feeling left out hurts, even after the initial experience there is that lingering feeling of ‘not being good enough for them’. This was the situation at the church in Ephesus. Paul wrote this letter to Timothy, a young pastor dealing with a lot of different issues. There were two groups in Ephesus that were particularly complicating life for the Ephesian church.
The first group was the Gnostics. Their main claims were that Jesus was purely a spiritual being, he only looked like he was human and that he had given secret, spiritual knowledge to a select group of disciples. This created an elitist feeling among the Gnostics, they had the ‘true knowledge’ and the rest of the disciples weren’t good enough, smart enough, and spiritual enough to receive it.
The second group was the Judaizers. They would come behind the Gospel messengers trying to convince the new Greek converts that they must become good Jews, before they could become good Christians. Ephesus was a thoroughly Greek city, so for Christian believers to be required to convert to Judaism meant asking them to begin living according to Kosher dietary laws and to be circumcised. For the Judaizers those who were not also Jewish could not be Christian. Both the Gnostics and the Judaizers set up restrictions to keep some people out.
The church leadership in Jerusalem had already decided that the only requirements for those who were Greek to become Christian is that they avoid meat sacrificed to idols and fornication (Acts 21:25). The barriers to become a Christian were set as low as possible, to allow everyone to become believers, but without compromising what it meant to be a Christian. The Jerusalem Church understood that the offer of salvation was extended to all people, Jews or Greeks.
This is the context into which Paul is writing. He uses 4 different words for prayer: supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings. These prayers are for all people, but then Paul gets more specific, instructing Timothy to pray for the kings and officials. It is important to keep in mind that the king is Cesar and the high officials are the ones that have already been persecuting Christians. Yet Paul says we are to pray even for the officials, in this simple statement we have echoes of the Lord’s Sermon on the Mount where he teaches, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your father in Heaven (Matthew 5:44)”.
Paul gives us a further reason why we should pray for everyone, including the leaders, ‘so that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and dignity’. Persecution for religious beliefs is not something that most people ask for. We’d all rather live in peace, free to worship in our own manner. In America we take for granted that we can gather for worship without fear of the government throwing us in jail or dying as a martyr. In places like China and the Middle East people can be arrested and executed just for being Christian. So Paul commands us to pray for the government leaders that control whether Christians can live in peace. This doesn’t just mean praying for President Obama, it also means praying for Hu Jintao – the president of China, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – president of Iran, so that Christians in other parts of the world have the freedom to worship God and to witness to others freely.
The greatest motivation for praying for everyone, including kings and those in high positions is that it is right and acceptable to God our Savior. Verse 4 states that, “God desires everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth. The Gospel can be spread easier when Christians are free to live as Christians, instead of in fear for their lives. Notice the scope that God has, ‘he desires everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth’. Here the exclusionary ideas of both the Gnostics and the Judaizers are contrasted with the very desires of God Himself.
What exactly is salvation and the knowledge of truth? Here Paul inserts what must have been part of one of the earliest creeds.
‘For there is one God;
There is also one mediator between God and humankind
Christ Jesus, himself human
Who gave himself a ransom for all
This was attested to at the right time.

The opening line takes hearers all the way back to Deuteronomy 6, “Here O Israel, the LORD our God is one”. Even today around the world Christians begin both the Apostle’s Creed and the Nicene Creed with the same powerful declaration, “I believe in one God…”. Ephesus was a Greek city, which meant it was filled with the pantheon of Greek gods & goddess, with the Ephesians being particularly loyal to Artemis, goddess of the moon and of the hunt. Affirming the oneness of God requires the rejection of every other deity.
The next line begins to lay out what is particular to Christian belief: there is one mediator between God and humankind. In the culture of the time the concept of a mediator was primarily a legal concept. Two parties were involved, generally one was the offender and the other was the one who had committed the offense. If they could not reach a solution to the conflict on their own a mediator was brought in. The mediator risked his own reputation on his ability to find a just solution for both parties. The mediator was unbiased, representing both sides equally.
In this creed, as well as those that followed, the mediator is named and a peculiar fact is noted. His name is Christ Jesus. The title ‘Christ’ is the Greek translation of the Jewish term ‘Messiah’, both meaning ‘the anointed one’. In Matthew the angel tells Mary and Joseph to name the child Jesus, because he will save his people. In these first 2 words we see that Jesus is the one anointed to save his people. John Calvin writes, “For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in the middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God, and together one God”. This is why God is addressed as Savior in verse 3. We affirm that Jesus Christ is fully God; therefore God must also be Savior.
Now the question is who are his people? The clause that follows carries great weight, the humanity of Jesus is undeniably affirmed. He was most definitely human. Later creeds expand this concept by speaking of his birth, his crucifixion and his death. Christ Jesus is not identified by his gender, or by his race or religion, he is identified by the humanity he shares with every person. This is why he alone is a suitable mediator between God and humankind. Jesus Christ is fully human and fully divine, which means he is able to represent both parties equally.
The final line of this profession of faith lays out how Christ was able to mediate between the holy God and the sinful humans. He gave his own life as a ransom for all. This is a radical action of the God-man, to sacrifice something on behalf of those who don’t deserve it. Yet if we look over the record of God’s dealings with people we see that it is his very nature to sacrifice and save. Beginning in the Garden with Adam and Eve, God sacrificed animals to provide clothing for His wayward children. In the Exodus, salvation for the Israelites was bought at the price of the Passover lamb. Leviticus is a priest’s handbook about how to make atonement for human sin, with the life blood of clean animals. The Psalmist understood this cost when he wrote in the 49th Psalm, “Truly no man can ransom himself, or give to God the price of his life”.
Salvation out of slavery or captivity always comes at a price. Ever since the Fall humanity has been held captive to the power of sin and death. The price for our freedom was too great for us to pay. As the bumper sticker reminds us, “freedom isn’t free”. The price of our freedom from sin and death was the willing sacrifice of a perfect life. This is what the cross is all about. Jesus gave himself as a ransom for ALL. The offer of this salvation is limited only by the willingness of a person to accept it. God leaves no one out, but desires everyone to be saved.
What makes this belief possible is not actually a what at all, it is a who! The third member of the Trinity enables fallen human beings to start at a place where they can hear the offer of God’s salvation and accept it. This is the concept of prevenient grace that is so fond to Methodists. It is the work of the Holy Spirit that allows new believers to confess faith in the Triune God and profess that Jesus Christ gave his life as a ransom for sinners. Most Evangelists are content to leave believers right here. They are, to use the popular phrase, ‘converted’ or ‘born again’ and that is good enough. The only problem is that this passage doesn’t end here. For those who have declared God as their savior now join Paul and all the other disciples as a herald of the Gospel.
This is part of the reason for the prayers in verse 1 – 2. Have you ever noticed how brand new converts want everyone else to come to the same saving faith they have? It seems that these new believers have the exact same desire that God does; they too want everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth that is found in the Triune God. Over time this evangelistic passion fades in most Christians, and we remain content and secured in our own faith. Somewhere along the line we stop praying earnestly for the salvation of the world, at best we only pray for those unbelievers closest to us, and worst not even that.
This passage is a call for Christians to affirm their faith in the one God and the one mediator between God and humankind, Christ Jesus, himself human, who gave himself a ransom for all. It is also a call to prayer and active witness of the God whom we have trusted for our salvation. Brothers and Sisters, it is time for us to intercede for the salvation of each person in our world.

Proverbs 31, Lady Wisdom, and Christ

2009-07-23T16:07:00.003-04:00

Here is the manuscript that I used to preach my sermon on Proverbs 31:10-31. There are some really interesting changes to how I viewed this passage.

I come to this passage in a very unique position. I am a young woman preparing to become a wife in less than 6 months. As I initially read the text I was overwhelmed by the perfection of the Proverbs 31 woman. It was like June Cleaver plus Martha Stewart plus Mother Teresa. She is the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect business woman, the perfect social justice activist, and the perfect international relations liaison. To top it all off she was the perfect Jewish woman, she feared the LORD and she instructed other in the wisdom and love of God. I’ve heard many women, frustrated by their inability to live up to this perfect standard, say that such a woman just isn’t possible. I’m inclined to agree from my own limited experiences. So as I read this poem over and over one question, “How does she do it all??” I kept getting hung up on verse 26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue”. I knew, call it woman’s intuition, that understanding this verse was the key to understanding why the woman in Proverbs 31 was so successful in everything. So I began to meditate on this verse, I studied the words in Hebrew and it lead me to a shocking discovery. The wisdom that the Proverbs 31 woman teaches is only God-given. Think Solomon’s dream asking for God’s wisdom. The phrase ‘the teaching of kindness’, is a compound word in Hebrew that only appears once in the whole Bible. The word is torah-hesed. Each of these words alone carries a mountain-load of significance to the original audience. Torah is the commands of God, given to Moses, that tell the Israelites how to live a life pleasing to God. Hesed, often translated as loving-kindness, is the description of God’s love toward humanity. It is an unconditional-loyal-strong-kind love. In the New Testament this is the sacrificial, agape love exhibited by Jesus. The Proverbs 31 woman had the wisdom of God enough to teach ‘torah-hesed’ to those around her. She seemed almost too good to be true. Once I began reading what others had to say about the Proverbs 31 woman things began to make sense.

It has been suggested that this Hebrew poem is actually a summary of the rest of the book of Proverbs. These 22 verses are set up as an acrostic poem, with each verse starting with the next letter in the Hebrew alphabet, which allows this section to be easily memorized (at least if you know Hebrew, it doesn’t work as well in the English). I believe that the Proverbs 31 woman can also be understood as summary of Wisdom that is personified beginning in chapter 1 and continuing through out the book.

“Wisdom cries out in the street; in the square she raises her voice”. Lady Wisdom, as she has become known in church tradition, offers instruction of how to live a godly life. The key to this life is the refrain, ‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom” that appears three times in the book of Proverbs. Such fear of the LORD is the final virtue of the Proverbs 31 woman. Proverbs 3:15 exclaims that ‘wisdom…is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her’, the Proverbs 31 woman is introduced by the same phrase, “she is far more precious than jewels’. If we come to read the Proverbs 31 woman as Lady Wisdom her perfection becomes an absolute requirement. Everything that Wisdom attempts is accomplished according to the will of God. This is why the Proverbs 31 woman is able to manage her family life, her business, social justices, and religious responsibilities so well that her husband praises her, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all”.

The Proverbs 31 woman exists as a poetic paragon that calls all people, men and women alike to move toward godliness in all parts of their lives. There has never been a woman who has lived up to the standard set by this passage, but there was one man who did. In the New Testament Jesus Christ has wisdom as a defining characteristic of his ministry. The second halve of Luke two tells the story of a 12 year-old Jesus speaking among the teachers in the temple, astounding them with his wisdom and understanding and Luke ends the chapter with the epithet that “Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor”. In every encounter with the religious officials Jesus demonstrated an uncanny ability to know the deeper truth behind their questions. The Gospels as a whole record that Jesus was perfect in everything he said or did. It is on this claim that our belief of his ability to atone humanity is staked.

The claims of Jesus fully embodying wisdom are not limited to the Gospels but are carried throughout almost every epistle. Colossians 2:3 proclaims that, “in Christ himself, are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge”. Looking back to the prophets we see Isaiah, speaking under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, describe the Messiah with the marker, ‘the spirit of the LORD shall rest on him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD (11:2). Looking forward to the final reality, we find in the heavenly court of Revelation, the praise to the Lamb seated on the throne extols, “Worthy is the Lamb that was slaughtered to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing” (5:12).

The connection seen between Lady Wisdom and Jesus Christ is not a recent development. Instead it is almost as old as the church itself. Thomas Aquinas, whose great master piece is known as the Summa Theologica has this to say about Wisdom and the Trinity, “though the Son, or Word of God is properly called ‘conceived wisdom,’ nevertheless the name of Wisdom, when used absolutely, must be common to the Father and the Son; since the wisdom that is resplendent through the Word is the essence of the Father, and the essence of the Father is common to Him with the Son.’ John Wesley says of Wisdom, “It is a great question what this wisdom is. Some understand it of the Divine wisdom; others of the second person in the Godhead: and it cannot be denied that some passages best agree to the former and others to the latter opinion. Possibly both may be joined together, and the chapter may be understood of Christ considered partly in his personal capacity, and partly in regard of his office, which was to impart the mind and will of God to mankind.” As believers in the triune God, we can also extend this wisdom to the Holy Spirit.

Throughout Scripture Wisdom is taught as an attribute of God. God has full wisdom, making Him omniscient – a term the Early Church Fathers borrowed from Greek philosophy, literally meaning a love of wisdom. This divine wisdom is not exclusive to the Trinity, but as James encourages is accessible to those who humbly request wisdom from God (1:5). Thus we can affirm that God is the source of wisdom, Jesus Christ the embodiment of wisdom, and the Spirit the gives wisdom to those who are in Christ. Throughout both Testaments an invitation is issued to those who would be wise: come to God and receive it. Wisdom is a divine gift that God longs to share with humanity.

How God gives this wisdom to the humble seeker varies. Sometimes it comes in a vision or a dream like it did for King Solomon. But far more often wisdom is tucked into the pages of Scripture, waiting to be found by those who would read God’s self-revelation. Another place of wisdom is in the shared tradition of the Church, in the lives of all the godly men and women who have walked the Christian life before us. Yet another source of wisdom comes to us in the living body of the church. I’ve never been to a church that didn’t have a least one person who had the gift of wisdom. The funny thing is, everyone in such a church knows exactly who it is, because the role of wisdom is always to direct others to a clearer understanding of, and devotion to, God.

The perfection of the Proverbs 31 woman is meant to attract us to the ultimate source of perfect wisdom, the Triune God. The call of Christian discipleship is to become like Christ, which includes growing in the wisdom of God, to perfectly know and love God, and our neighbors the way Christ does. The woman described in Proverbs 31 stands as an example of what that looks like lived out to its fullest.

*Benediction:

Ephesians 1:17 I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation as you come to know him, ¹⁸ so that, with the eyes of your heart enlightened, you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance among the saints, ¹⁹ and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us who believe, according to the working of his great power.

Disclaimer only if necessary to clarify ***

I do need to add a slight aside about the recent attempts to introduce Goddess Sophia as the feminine equivalent of God. Lady Wisdom, proclaims that in 8:22 that she is only a creation, so those that would encourage worship direct to Goddess Sophia (as wisdom is translated into the Greek), create an idol. Lady Wisdom’s role in Proverbs is to direct the hearer to the proper worship of God, not to be worshipped. She teaches that every aspect of life must be lived according to the will of God. ???

Redeeming our mother(s)

2009-06-17T16:51:00.002-04:00

In seminary I have been taught a lot about how coming to know God as a loving parent through the name and relationship of Abba (Daddy)/Father does a lot in helping heal the wounds that our earthly male parents (biological, stepfathers, and male role models) have inflicted (knowingly or not). From personal experience a better understanding of God as Father has helped me to forgive my own father, and wounds that go back to childhood (7 years old) are finally closing (admittedly the scars will remain, but I'm not subconsciously controlled by those early encounters). One of the things I've observed is that wounds are better healed by someone similar to the original inflicter (men tend to heal wounds that other men inflict better than women can, and vice versa).

In October I selected the Nazareth as one of the sites in Israel that I was responsible for leading the devotion. For the next 3 months I soaked in the words of Mary's encounter with Gabriel, and the amazing faith that is voiced in her magnificant. Little did I know that as I preached that January in Nazareth I would find myself much closer to Mary than I realized. I voiced the declaration of my faith as a young, newly engaged woman, that desired to love God with my whole heart....and I began to wonder. If God as Father (IE. 'masculine' ) could redeem, restore, and heal my understanding of men in general, and fathers in particular, how are the mother images restored for Christians.

In the tradition of Christianity three contenders have arisen as contenders to that job. The first is Mary, Theotokos (Greek - literally, God-bearer). Mary as the mother of Jesus (aka God) can provide mothering to all Christians, ministering to the pain inflicted by the women in our lives. This is the view of Roman Catholics and Greek Orthodox (at least as I understand their teachings). The second option is that the church is our 'mother'. St. Augustine argues that no one can have God as their Father, without also having the church as their mother. The final possibility is that the feminine imagery of God found in Scripture (IE. Jesus statement in Luke about desiring to gather the people of Jerusalem 'like a hen gathers her chicks'). Granted that the feminine imagery is scare in Scripture and must be handled carefully to prevent goddess worship (IE. the Sophia movement).

Obviously each of these has limitations. But then so does portraying God strictly in masculine terms (no matter how Biblical they are - God is not a human male). The problem with Mary is that, despite her heroic faith (evidenced through her whole life), she is still just one woman, with all the imperfections that come with that condition. We have several accounts in Scripture that her 'mothering technique' was less than perfect (see Jesus in the temple at 12 and the wedding in Cana). The problem with the church is that it is an impersonal institution stretching across time, geography, languages, and experiences. How can something so amorphous speak to the wounds inflicted by a 'mother' of a single believer?

The last option is for the Church to begin using the female imagery Scripture uses to describe God in worship. There are places were God refers to himself (blast the limitations of the English language) as a mother to Israel (Isaiah 66:13).

In true Wesleyan fashion I think the answer is both/and. God uses the lives of Christian men, and the witness of the Church and Scripture to minister to the wounds inflicted by men. So too should the lives of Christian women (beginning with Mary) and the witness of the Church and Scripture minister to the wounds inflicted by women. It's time for the Church to learn and teach more about the feminine nature of God.

Trinitarian Language

2009-06-16T14:21:00.003-04:00

In the church's struggle to come up with adequate language to describe/explain God a new favorite has emerged to replace the more traditional person language of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The new attempt is to refer to them as Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer. While these are validly true descriptions of the actions of God I'm beginning to question how far the church should go in this direction. Yes it reduces the patristic overtones that traditionally are used to squeeze out the feminine perspective. But my fear is that by limiting the God-head to what God does we have done to God what we have already done to ourselves.

Much has already been written about the anthropocentric tendency to identify ourselves by what we 'do'. I'm a 'doctor', or a 'teacher' or a 'stay-at-home-parent'. But such descriptors limit us to one dimension, primarily the vocational sphere. Our job (or lack there of) only tells a part of our story. It mitigates the fact that we are also children, friends, Christians, and people with a variety of interests, hobbies, gifts, relationships and experiences.

As Christians the primary direction of our faith is built upon a relationship with the Father, through the access gained by the Son, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. If we lose the relational nature of the Trinity will we also lose our relationship with the Trinity???

I really am interested in the thoughts.

Lost

2009-06-11T11:20:00.002-04:00

I'm at that point again in my life where I've got the machinery of my life so well set that I'm being carried along. I've got one more year of seminary, I'm right on track for the ordination process, the planning for my wedding is coming together. All of these streams are combining into one river that is taking me with it. I'm no longer in control of my life, but it's not a healthy release. The monsters I've created are now consuming me. I'm losing who I am in what I am doing. I'm lost and the only thing keeping me from flipping completely is the security of a faith that is grounded outside of myself. The disciplines that I use are speaking truths to me that I desperately need to hear, and quite frankly I'm too tired to listen. I know I'm in a dangerous place right now. I feel like I'm on an amusement park ride and if it doesn't stop soon I'm going to throw up or pass out from the dizziness.

Signs of Resurrection

2009-05-11T15:27:00.009-04:00

This is the same tree, separated by one season. In the first the tree is weighed down by the ice. Ultimately the weight got to be too great and the tree broke and had to be cut back to the where the trunk was only 4 feet tall and there were no branches. Most of us had given up hope for this tree. How many Christians live life this way, burdened under more weight than we were ever created to bear? To the watching world it may even appear beautiful, but instead we are slowing bending ourselves until that fateful moment with it 'cracks' and all the ice that we've been carrying shatters on the sidewalk.

The second picture shows that if a tree remains doing what it was designed to do, soaking up the sunshine and the rain as they are given, then new life can spring back from even the most sever destruction. It is a sign of the power of Resurrection, that new life springs up from the original root. The reality is it will take years for the tree to recover from the damage of one season. The hope is that it will. The warning is that there is nothing stopping the tree from repeating this cycle in the future.

My time at seminary often has me feeling like the first tree, buried under the weight of so many expectations and demands. Yet God has used even the breaking to build me up healthier. And every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of fresh growth from the same tree. With God there is always the grace of Resurrection life.

Hopefully this is the first blog of my own Resurrection season.

The heart of God

2009-03-26T18:31:00.002-04:00

(Quick recap since I haven't posted in...nevermind...I've gotten engaged, been held hostage by 10 hours of MDiv classes and took a pilgrimage to Israel in January).

How many of us have prayed to know the heart of God? How many of us know the dangers of such a prayer? How many of us have actually experienced such a staggering gift? Can a person receive such a gift without asking for it?

These are the questions that have been roiling in my subconscious since my experiences in Jerusalem. Over the four days my pilgrimage had me in the Holy City I experienced five aspects of the sorrowing heart of God. The first day I visited the Palm Sunday Road and stopped at a chapel built to commemorate Jesus' lament over Jerusalem, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing! (Luke 13:34). As I sat overlooking Jerusalem I felt the anguishing love of the Savior for those who openly rejected the offer of salvation, and I mourned.

Later that day I traveled to the Garden of Gethsemane and spent time attempting to pray the same prayer that Jesus prayed the night before his death, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done." (Luke 22:42). Even as I wrestled with my own will I understood that our Lord wrestled with bringing his human will into submission with his Father's will. It is a moment by moment struggle that mars our lives since the Garden of Eden.

The next day found me on the Via Dolorosa - the way of suffering. As I walked the stations of the cross I contemplated the love that compelled our Savior to endure this humiliation. Then I knelt at the place of the cross and the words of a beloved hymn came to mind, "Did ev'r such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown". Under the shadow of the cross I wept at the great cost that was paid for our sins.

The third day took me to the holocaust museum, specifically it was the children's memorial that rent my heart. In a stunningly simple and profound way the artist depicted the 1.5 million children who died during the holocaust. Here I was confronted with the pervasiveness of evil that destroys even the most innocent of lives.

The last day brought me to the Pool of Bethesda, a place of healing (John 5:6). There Jesus asked me the same question he asks all who are in need of healing, "Do you want to be made well"? The healing is offered before it was requested, the need revealed to the one still in need. Here I was led to consider the brokenness that still shapes my own life.

These five experiences were too profound and spread out to write off. Yet I did not understand what had happened to me while in Jerusalem. The only way I could describe it was I had received, what I called, 'the gift of sorrow'. I struggled for two weeks to put this into words for my professor, and for another two months I lived on the edge of tears at any moment. As the time has lapsed the sorrow has settled deeper into my being, but it is still able to be drawn out at a moment's notice.

Thankfully my professor was able to explain what had happened to me. He gave me a name for it, Penthos. A description - an ancient church tradition called 'the gift of tears' where someone comes to understand (in part) the brokenhearted love of God. He also gave me a book devoted to the topic (we are in seminary after all).

I do not remember praying for the heart of God while I was in Jerusalem. If I'd know the intensity of such a gift I probably would have been too scared to pray for it. Yet I recognize that I was given this most precious gift so I could love the way God loves. Now I wonder just what I am supposed to do with this gift.

Penthos

2009-03-23T13:50:00.002-04:00

The Broken Heart surveying
a city, a world still unwilling
sits praying, mourning, lamenting
now in Heaven still interceding

Companionship

2008-09-19T08:42:00.002-04:00

There is a spiritual discipline that has gotten lost in our culture recently. This in spite of all the gadgets that supposedly "enhance" communication. The discipline of companionship isn't a very popular one because most don't understand it and haven't experienced it. The Christian faith makes frequent uses of metaphors like a walk, a journey, a pilgrimage. It does so with good reason. Once a person begins their life in Christ it is a constant progression toward Christ, with the purpose of being conformed to Christ.

All this to say walks are better when there is someone to share them with, to keep a person company. Companionship is the art of learning to walk together down the same path. Sometimes both partners are in new territory and they figure it out as they go along. Sometimes one has been in this place before so they can point out wrong turns that most would think are short-cuts. The reality is that there are some points along the journey that absolutely require two people to get through. Someone will need a boost to climb something, or a hand to reach down and pull them up. In companionship both people have to walk their own path, but they do so knowing they have someone to laugh with, to share their fears and concerns with, to rejoice when they've had success, someone to support them when they just can't go on right now.

Companionship sounds like a great idea, so why aren't more people companioning? There are many reasons, but the number one is because it requires time and energy and commitment. Most of the growth for a Christian (at least in my experience) takes weeks, if not months or years before it is sustainable. This means that two people have to be willing to companion over an extended period of time. It also requires vulnerability. Agreeing to be companions is an admission that I can't do this on my own and I'd like someone to come with me. Often journeying together means going at the slower pace. And it requires a willingness to see each other through this portion of the journey and not abandon when it gets difficult.

Many think that companionship has to be a life-time commitment to someone. It doesn't (unless they are married). Most of the time it is actually just for a season or so, because as we grow our individual paths take us in different directions where it is likely that we will encounter other opportunities for companionship.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help."

Full Circle

2008-09-01T09:41:00.002-04:00

Two years ago I packed up most of my belongings from my home in San Antonio and drove to Wilmore, Kentucky - a city so small it wasn't on the map I had with me. I unloaded my car into a room I shared with a complete stranger and the next day began New Student Orientation (Disorientation). I knew no one up here, I didn't even know where the Walmart or the nearest fast food place was (15 minutes away in another city). After two days of non-stop informational sessions and meeting all the other new students I hit my overload threshold. On one of our 15 minute breaks, while most students ran to the bookstore, I ran to Estes chapel. It was the only safe place I knew on campus, my room wasn't a sanctuary yet. I figured if I was praying at the altar people would probably leave me alone. Thank God they did. I prayed to God out of desperation, I was ready to pack everything up and move back home. Yet I knew He had called me here, at this time. So I stayed.

Fast-forward two years to the day later. I'm half-way done with my M.Div. I'm a certified candidate for Elder in the UMC. I'm on the team that designs our chapel services. I'm well established on this campus. This Thursday was New Student Orientation and as part of my responsibilities I was asked to read the Scripture for Dr. Kalas. We place those leading worship on the platform where the pulpit/lectern is. I asked JD (dean of chapel) which chair he wanted me in. Halfway through the service I realized the blessed irony of where I was. I was at the exact same spot that I was two years ago. But this time instead of in panicked prayer at the altar I was sitting comfortably on the platform, preparing to read the Word of God to our new students.

I almost laughed at God's faithfulness. Two years ago I never would have believed I would be doing that. Yet God knew what He was doing. He's the one who called me into the ministry, to Asbury to be prepared for that ministry, and now I'm participating in ministry. He held me steady when I was ready to run back to the safety of "home" (it helps when you've burned every bridge behind you) and He's walked faithfully beside me the whole time I've been here. The final hymn we sang on Thursday was "Great is His Faithfulness" and it is so true. God is faithful to all who call upon His Name.

Mysticism, Liturgy & The Modern Christian

2008-07-14T19:41:00.002-04:00

"Spirituality" is the new buzz word. People will say "oh I'm not religious, but I am spiritual". On one hand this is promising because it shows that people recognize the need for a "Higher Power" in their life. It is also dangerous because people are free to make up their own rules about what they believe, why they believe it, and how those beliefs will affect their behaviors.

There is a tradition within Christianity that gives room for such "spiritual" people to develop and grow their faith within the safety and shelter of orthodoxy. Mysticism is often a misunderstood - and therefore neglected- part of Christian faith. The Early Church Fathers, St. John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Thomas Merton, all were mystics. It is an expression not bound by time, gender, age or culture.

Mysticism in the Christian faith is not about secret knowledge (gnosticism), or about being a "better believer". Mysticism is about making a deliberate lifestyle oriented around the sole purpose of drawing nearer to, and deeper into, the heart of God.

This is where things like liturgy, ritual, and icons can be of great value. In higher church settings there is still room for the Mystery of God. There aren't the attempts to force explanations all the time. With some things God is just allowed to be God, and as finite beings Christians respect (and appreciate) that there are somethings about God that may never be understood. In liturgical traditions there is still room for mystery and mysticism.

Blessed are they who mourn

2008-06-30T18:43:00.000-04:00

Until this weekend those were just nice sounding words. This weekend I read them in a completely different light. I've moved into a new category, now I am one of those "who mourns". I got the call Thursday that my mom's dad had gone HOME. On the flights Friday morning I just immersed myself in Scripture, finding comfort in its familarity and its honest wrestling with the human experience.

As I read the Beattitudes I realized that they were a promise from Jesus - those who mourn will be comforted beacuse God is the great comforter.

As I read Mary and Martha's grief I realized that they invited Jesus into their pain and they spoke honestly to their Lord about what they expected from him.

These stories spoke deeper to me than they ever had before because my heart was flooded with raw emotion and my intellect wasn't filtering things "rationally".

The memorial service on Saturday was beautiful, Grandpa had planned it out - he was a minsiter up to the very end.

Through everything I have felt God's peace and His presence and I am grateful.

Responsibilities

2008-06-21T08:44:00.002-04:00

During a recent conversation with my sister I had a rare glimpse into the way the average 20-something views life. To be honest it was more than a little scary. The icing on the cake was when she asked me my view on homosexuality. After giving her my opinion in as much gracious love as possible she responded with, "but you can't help who you love". To be honest I was blown away by such a ridiculous statement. In one of the most important matter's of life it seems my generation is content to abdicate all responsibility, trusting to fate or a whim or who knows what else. Her belief in "pre-destination" would make the staunchest Calvinist cringe.

Unfortunately love isn't the only place people have relinquished responsibility for their own lives. They are content to let their faith (or non-faith as the case may be) be shaped by the cultural milieu that surrounds them. Practicing it if it's convenient or to appease their parents/grandparents. For all the rhetoric of "my rights" people are willing to give up the most fundamental rights. What is the use of free speech if there is nothing worth believing in to speak for? When beliefs change more often than the flavor of the month at Baskins-Robbin.

My sister's comment shows another disturbing trend. If you can't help who you love, it's just as logically plausible that you can't help when you love them. This spells disaster for responsible, committed relationships. People marry the "one they can't help but love" and then when something changes the refrain is "I just don't love him/her any more".

This inability to take responsibility has flooded the Church as well. The Christian refrain is "I can't help but do (insert sin), it's part of my fallen nature". In many ways this is even more terrifying than the culture that surrounds the Church because it is a rejection of God on two levels. It rejects the claims of what God has already done through Christ's death on the cross, and it is a rejection of what He promises to do.

The story of Scripture is one of choice, of taking responsibility. Joshua's invitation to Israel, "Choose this day whom you will serve" is the same invitation that Jesus continues to make. It is a call for individuals to take responsibility for the most important decision in their life instead of entrusting it to some other.

I don't want the new excuse to be "I can't help what I believe". Make an active choice and commit yourself to it whole-heartedly, without any reservation.

God Said

2008-04-27T21:08:00.003-04:00

There is a simple phrase that runs through Scripture that until this weekend I'd generally skimmed over. We are introduced to it 3 lines into the story of Creation, "God said" (Genesis 3:1).

This week has been interesting, I took a vow of silence for one day and then about 4 days later I lost my voice for 3 more days. It was terribly frustrating to not even be able to do basic communication like ordering dinner. I was completely dependent on my roommate to listen closely enough that she could understand and then pass the message along. Not being able to communicate directly also meant being left out of many conversations because people were too impatient to let me interrupt the flow.

The experience gave me a greater appreciation for what God must feel. He has chosen to communicate through His Church. He depends on Christians to listen carefully to what He is trying to say and to pass that message along. There were times that my roommate didn't exactly say what I had wanted but she knew me well enough that the spirit of what I was saying still got across. The same is true with God, the better we know God's heart, the clearer the message will come across. God can get our attention other ways, much like me banging on the table, but for the most part He seems content to allow us to be His messengers. This places a great responsibility on Christians, if we do not speak God's Word, many will not hear the message of Truth.

There is an amazing power contained in the spoken word. God's Word brought the entire earth, and everything in it, into existence in an instant. The prophets and the priests often brought messages to Israel that began with the phrase, "The word of the Lord came to me saying..." (Jeremiah 1:4). They were calls to repentance that had the potential to change the heart of the entire nation, but it was dependent on the prophet to speak the message.

Then we get the beautiful prologue from the Gospel according to John, "and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us" (John 1:14) that introduces us to Jesus. While Jesus was on Earth he spoke for God because he was (and is) God. He taught us what the Father had been trying to say for years. He knew God's heart, he shared God's heart, and so Jesus was able to share that heart with humanity.

Now with the advent of Pentecost Christians have the same Spirit in us that Christ did. He empowers us to speak the same message of Truth. The message has been entrusted to us, do we know God's heart well enough to share it well. It is easy to forget how much power is contained in our words because they are so plentiful. But it is amazing how much different it is to read the words "you are forgiven" and to have them pronounced over you.

I challenge you to be mindful of the words you speak. Remember that as a Christian you are God's voice to the world and the world is depending on you to transmit His message clearly.

Lent

2008-02-05T22:06:00.000-05:00

Lent begins tomorrow. As part of my committment I am giving up Blogging for this season in order to spend this time getting closer to God. I should return to the cyber-world after Easter. May God bless ya'll during this season of preparation and may he draw you ever closer to his heart.

I will still check email (horncat1@hotmail.com) if you would like to reach me that way.

Nomad or Pilgrim

2008-01-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Over the Christmas break I traveled from Kentucky to Missouri, to Texas, to Oklahoma, back to Missouri, then back to Kentucky. I don't even want to figure out how many hours and how many miles that is. It gave me a lot of time to think about a lot of different things. One thing I realized is that the life of a Christian actually incorporates two different kinds of journeys.

The first is that of Pilgrimage. A pilgrimage is a deliberate journey taken by a devoted follower to well-established shrines of their faith. In the physical sense it means a Christian who travels to Bethlehem, Jerusalem, Nazareth, Rome, etc...to see the places where the stories of their beliefs actually occurred. In a spiritual sense the landmarks are equally recognizable by Christians who have already journeyed further ahead, to which they often give the sage advice, "it's a normal stage in our faith". This includes things like inital salvation, Baptism (both of the Holy Spirit and publicly by a ceremony including water), the first blushes of excitement when you tell everyone how amazing Jesus is, that first struggle to overcome the sins from life before Christ, the first victory, the first failure and the accompanying confession and repentance and restoration, the times God seems to fall silent. All of these are "normal" steps on the Christian pilgrimage, where the destination is heaven and the journey is a process of "entire sanctification".

The other journey isn't talked about nearly so often. It's not one I really understand even though I've taken it a couple times. It's the journey of a nomad. A nomad is a person who wanders around without a clear destination in sight. They are only seeking to meet their immediate needs. There is no path, no maps, and often no guides because no one has been that way before. This is the journey the Hebrews took after they left Egypt, but before they reached the Promised Land. They spent 40 years wandering in circles through the Sinai Wilderness, essentially going no where.

It is this journey that often causes the most heartache but also the most growth. The journey of a nomad is one of immense faith, to trust God to lead who knows where, through who knows what, for who knows how long. It's not an easy journey to give up the security one has established, the comfortable and predictable routines. To go into places of faith where daily Bible readings bring minimal assurances. But it is the nomad who learns to trust God completely.

This is the journey I am in. It's not a journey I took willingly, and it is not one that I am enjoying, but I understand that God has decided this is necessary, and I trust him more than I fear this journey, so I will continue following him on this journey for as long as I must.

The Beauty of Truth

2007-12-20T22:59:00.000-05:00

This Advent season has found my mind flickering back to the idea of the Incarnation any time it is unoccupied by some other train of thought. At first I suspected it was part of my need to understand everything, completely. That if I understood the Incarnation I would have gained control over one of the great Mysteries of God and that would make be better than thousands of scholars who had wrestled this very issue, only to raise their hands and say "I'll never understand".

I learned years ago that pride and the need to control are the twin sisters that cry for my reverence. More recently I have learned that I am incapable of besting them, not for lack of trying, but by meeting with utter failure every time. My struggles taught me that an iron will bent against itself only sharpens both edges, allowing them to cut more deeply. But what does this have to do with the Incarnation?

It explains why this one thought circles through my mind. It is in the mystery of Incarnation that the cure to pride and control has been revealed. It is precisely because I do not, most likely will never, understand the Incarnation that I recognize the form of my personal redemption. The Incarnation is about Christ fully recognizing his own greatness, and willing choosing to lay it aside for the benefit of others who would not understand, and some outright reject, him. Yet he chose to do it any way. He chose to lower himself to our level so that he could raise us to his level.

In this lies the key of freedom. Long have I stared at the beasts of pride and control that have feasted on my soul, content at the stalemate that had been reached. Now instead a way to victory has been revealed. By focusing on Christ, first in the act of Incarnation, then later in Atonement, Resurrection, and Ascension, the beasts will be starved. Instead of staring down pride I will gaze with adoration upon Humility himself. It is a well known fact that we become whatever we spend our time looking at the most.

It is a great truth of Scripture, that sin cannot be won in open combat, or refusing to acknowledge it. Instead our focus must be consumed in that which is the total opposite. Lust will not be conquered by self-control and abstinence, it will only be conquered by the power of True Love, pride by Absolute Humility, and so on for each vice there is a Most Holy Virtue, embodied in the Savior's life, and example for all who are willing to die, that they may live.

My prayer this Advent season, as the day of Incarnation draws ever closer, is that Christ would truly live among us, that each heart would welcome the Spirit that transforms our wickedness into worship.

The Parable of the Brothers...

2007-12-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

more commonly known as the Prodigal Son. Found in Luke 15:11-32.

This is a text that most who have attended church at some point in their life are well acquainted with. The plot is that there is a man who has two sons, the younger one wants to go and try his luck in the world while the older one is content to stay home and work the land with Dad. The younger son takes his half of the inheritance and blows it on the luxuries and pleasure of the world. He ends up doing manual labor at minimum wage before he realizes that the people that work for his father have plenty because his father is generous. He doesn't even hope to come back to the status of "son", he is content just to work for his father like the other servants. He's on the road home, rehearsing his apology, when his father greets him, welcoming him back from the grave. The father cleans the son, dresses him well, and throws a big party. The older brother sulks outside the house because he'd "done everything right, and I never got a party, why are you spoiling this child who wasted everything you gave him?" The beauty is that the father sought out both his sons, in different ways.

Most of the time when I read this parable I find myself siding with the older brother. I'm about as straight-laced as they come. I've never had my "wild, rebellious days". I started Seminary at 21....what "normal" college student does that? But this past month has had me more on the side of the younger brother. And I've seen the Father in a brighter light.

The younger son didn't run-away from home, he asked his father to give him money and permission to leave. The thing I've never realized before is that the Father graciously allowed his son to leave his presence. Now it's obvious that the Father knew what was going to happen to his son in the world, so it wasn't with joy that the Father allowed him to walk away. It is equally powerful that the Father knew he would never have his son's love if he kept him locked up at home. It's staggering to realize that God our Father, has also allowed each of us to walk away from our relationship with him, to take the things he has blessed us with and waste them on the world. In this parable we are not strange children who are adopted into the family, instead we are beloved children, allowed to leave, to grow up, to encounter the harsh world, and ultimately we are allowed the choice to return home.

Notice carefully what it is that draws the younger son home. It is the generous character of the Father, a generosity that extends even to his servants. God's generosity is what allows each of us to even hope to return to our Father's house. What the younger son didn't understand was the depths of his Father's grace. He had seen it toward others, but until he returned home he had not experienced it for himself. The same is true for Christians, God's grace toward other people is intriguing, but once we have humbled ourselves (or been humbled) enough to receive it for ourselves, we find that it is overwhelming.

It is important for those of us who are like the older brother to realize we can walk away from our Father without ever taking a step, but the grace of the Father compels him to come after us and ask us to come in and celebrate.

During Advent we hope for the gift of grace that makes our homecoming possible. God has allowed us to walk away from him, and in his grace he prepared the way home for us. This way is through Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

The Incarnation

2007-12-07T15:26:00.000-05:00

Advent is about the Incarnation. It is about the God of the universe becoming one of us, with all that entails. He became a flesh and blood baby, that cried and cooed, that nursed and had dirty diapers. He literally entered into the messiness that is human life. I still don't understand it. It's something so beyond our finite minds.

Why would God do something so radical? Why subject himself to the pain and suffering of life for over 30 years? Why would he willingly choose to have his existence completely dependent upon the merciful love of his teenage mother?

Part of the reason is so that when God whispers to each of our hearts, "I know how you feel, I've been there myself" it is literally the Gospel Truth. He knows first hand how scary, overwhelming and hurtful this world is. He knows the pain of stubbed toes, thumbs smashed by slipping hammers, of splinters, growing pains, and a voice that cracks during puberty. He knows the sorrow of grief when he lost loved ones, and the pain that comes from seeing people he loves hurting, be it sickness or sin.

It's also his way of reminding us we don't live this life alone. He says, "I've done this once before, perfectly, I'll help you through your turn".

The Incarnation is about love. It is about the God that has come to live among His people. It is what separates Christianity from every other religion. We were created in the image of God, and then our God took our image upon himself in order to restore us to that original perfection.

"May the Incarnate God dwell in your hearts both now and forever."

Happy New Year!

2007-12-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not a month early. I'm just using a different calendar. I'm using the Christian calendar, which begins on the 1st Sunday of Advent, which was yesterday. It is amazing how the Christian year starts off so differently from the regular new year on January first. The Christian year is Christ focused (surprisingly enough), we begin our year by focusing completely on Someone else. Instead of making personal resolutions, "this year I will do x,y, and z" we ponder both what God has done by the Incarnation and what he will do in the Eschaton. It's a radically different orientation to the ego-centric world most of us live in.

It's also arranged to increase expectation. Instead of looking back over the past year, our focus is pulled ever forward, first to Christmas, then the Epiphany, then Lent, Passion Week, hitting the high point at Easter, then Pentecost, then Ordinary time (from Pentecost till the 1st Sunday of Advent is 5-6 months depending on when Easter falls). It's a progression and an incorporation into the Gospel story. Every year the Christians using this calendar cycle through the life of Christ, in an ever deepening spiral year after year. Advent is always the same, but each Advent we are different because of what has transpired in the previous year. The Christian calendar gives believers places to stop and reflect periodically.

So may this new year be filled with the richest blessings of Christ, may you journey with him from birth, through death, and into life eternal; growing in wisdom, knowledge, grace, truth, love, beauty, holiness, ever-reflecting more of Jesus Christ. I pray this in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Death by Exegesis

2007-11-11T14:46:00.001-05:00

This little poem was written during a break from working on my exegesis final, already it is 12 pages long and only about 1/4 of the way done. These are the terms that make up the majority of my life now, keep in mind 2 years ago I probably hadn't even heard most of them, and now I can not only define them, but do them.

Now that finals week is a mere month away the ensuing panic over getting everything done may commence. I'd like to offer this poem both as commiseration and a mild stress relief for those much needed, and far too short, study breaks.

Thanks to Jessica Fulton for the title which inspired this little poem.

Death by Exegesis

It’s 3:15 on finals week
I’m caffeine-dependent….
Must not sleep

Because of chiasms, and commentaries
Waw consecutives, tautologies

Exegesis and IBS
Aren’t those still fatal diseases?

Between Hebrew,
Greek and KJV
NRS and NIV
NAB and Art McFee

Dr. Walls with Modus Ponens
Church History for Dr. Collins
"Metaphysics", Cosmology
"Somehow It’s Still Greek to Me"

Now it’s on to Candidacy
Bibleworks and John Wesley
World Views, now relevancy
O God, my God, someone help me

Qal, Niphal,
Piel, Pual and Hithpael
Now I know why
I believe in Hell!

Word Studies and Teleology
Syntactical context
Shouldn’t this mean something to me?

Grammatical Analysis
By lexicons
Of all shapes
And sizes

Trying to be entirely sanctified
Still leaves me
Thoroughly mystified

KCW & VOM
Flawed hermeneutics
No greater sin
Revelation – is that how our world ends?

Amazing Grace
But now I see
Seminary will be
the death of me!

Oppression

2007-10-25T19:59:00.000-04:00

Oppression has to be one of the most subtle demons to recognize. It starts as just a general feeling of being overwhelmed, most likely a feeling based well in reality. It's midterms and you have 3 papers due the same week. It's only natural to feel overwhelmed. But to stay overwhelmed even after the papers are turned it, that is something far more sinister. To look at life and just want to cry because you don't see how it can all get done. To wonder how and why you did this to yourself.

I find it an intriguing, albeit disturbing reality, that seminary seems to be such a fertile breeding ground for oppression. Most colleges are prime targets for lust and drinking problems, but especially at Asbury we head them off at the pass. It's a little thing called the ethos statement (though I admit it's not a foolproof barrier to these issues). But I never signed anything saying I refuse to allow myself to be oppressed. In fact it seems a state of existence that most seminarians have resigned themselves to. It's just a fact of life. Those who recognize it for what it is have often been under it's shadow too long to have any strength to challenge it.

Luckily oppression is one of the easier demons to deal with. As soon as it is recognized for what it is it loses much of it's power. It's strength comes from being undetected. Oppression is one of those things that Jesus explicitly stated that he had come to free us from (Luke 4:18) "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to....let the oppressed go free."

I guess I'm wondering now, why I (and so many others) still remain trapped under this weight. I don't have a good answer.

When God falls silent

2007-10-02T19:44:00.000-04:00

There are times in the Christian journey that God falls silent. It seems they happen more frequently the deeper faith becomes. Sometimes they are fleeting, the whole experience may only last for a day or two. It is barely recognizable that God has stopped speaking, his hand of favor may still rest upon a person. At other times it stretches on. For me, my first real experience with God's silence came in college. My faith was already being tested on so many levels and to have God withdraw from me nearly destroyed me. The silence lasted almost two whole years. It was made harder by the fact that even those I looked to for guidance were at a loss to explain what was happening, or why.

Eventually I was able to hear God again, but it was rarely as loud or as clear as it had been in the early years of my faith. For the 1st year at Seminary there were little "God whispers" almost weekly, subtle encouragements that I was still walking in God's will, I was where I was supposed to be.

My time in the desert, instead of increasing my trust, has severely undermined it. Now I'm terrified every time I think God has stopped talking to me. I don't want another 2 years of desperate imploring to fall on "deaf" ears.

What has stirred this all up, especially after I'd made peace about that growing experience ( I do appreciate it, I just don't want to have to repeat it)? God has stopped talking again. It's been....I honestly don't know, at least several months....the last time I heard from him directly. Sure there are echos of his voice through his Word, and his people around me, but it's not him.

Then the "other" voices begin to whisper,"Why bother serving a God who doesn't even love you enough to talk to you?" Which I recognize as a lie, I serve God because he died for me. The point is right now everything I'm doing is out of blind obedience. I don't know what I would be doing if it wasn't this. Sheer will power isn't enough to motivate for long, maybe a couple months at most. I'm exhausted, deep down weary in my soul. I'm pretending to those who know me best because I couldn't handle if they saw me fall apart (yes I recognize my struggle with pride). I'm also afraid that if I fall apart I won't be able to be put back together (which terrifies me). I'm going through all the motions in life and it's empty. There is no reason for me to learn Hebrew, to do Exegesis, because really "what does it matter to God". Then I wonder why should I bother talking to God if he isn't going to talk back to me, why be faithful to my devotional times every morning and every evening (I admit that I've grown lax the last couple weeks).

Then I feel guilty because didn't God do enough for me already???? I look at Calvary and think, what right have I to ask for anything more. What if it's not enough, what if I really do need God to speak, what kind of "loving" God would deny so pure a request? Isn't that what he says he wants from us?

What really makes me ill is that when others come to me with the same questions I can blithely give them reassurances of God's love and faithfulness. I feel like the scene from Lord of the Rings: the Return of the King when Lord Elrond gives the newly forged sword to Aragorn and he says "I give hope to men." Aragorn replies "I keep none for myself." I know (intellectually) faith is not without hope. Right now it just seems like it and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out, how many more battles I can fight before I fall, mortally wounded.

Vengence is Mine Saith the Lord

2007-08-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

(yes it has to be read in the King James for effect)

One of the conversations I had this week offered me an "alternative" interpretation of this quip. Traditionally it has been read like this, "God will punish with his terrifying wrath all those who hurt his people." My own clever retort in high school was "vengence is mine thus saith the Lord, and he can do a much better job at smitting someone than I can." This interpretation is not wrong, for countless times across Scripture God does promise to judge (and punish) the wickedness for their sins against his righteous people. But it is not the whole understanding. How does such a judgemental view balance with a God who loves all humans equally? Who "does not want to see any perish"?

The other way to read "Vengence is Mine" is that God has, in his amazing graciousness, taken our vengence upon himself. It is an invitation to give vent to the anger that comes from being hurt, but instead of directing it on the person who hurt us, or someone close to us when we have a bad day, we direct our need for vengence upon him. He is big enough, strong enough, and loving enough to handle even the fiercest wrath we can direct at him. It is a testament of his loving protection that he spares us from each other.

The implications for those in ministry (which is all Christians) are staggering, because God invites us to imitate his behavior in all aspects. This may mean getting between Christian brothers and sisters and permitting them to rail against the situation, taking the brunt of the fury upon ourselves, in order to spare the "wronger" further pain (we've all seen situations where revenge escalates out of control). It is a protection to perserve the unity of the Body without short-changing the God-given desire to see righteous judgement executed. We do this all with the hope that through the love of God people who were once enemies can eventually become family.

Taking these two interpretations, that seem at odds with each other, actually portrays a clearer and fuller picture of God's character. He is at once God who is slow to anger, gracious, and abounding in steadfast love (a common refrain of the Bible) but he is also God who is the righteous judge, repaying wickedness.

Not by Right

2007-08-11T13:56:00.001-04:00

No one has the right to be a minister.

It's an idea that has been brought to my mind repeatedly this week, first by my roommate and then by my Women in Ministry class. Being called to the ministry is a selective process, God calls everyone to minister where they are, but only selects some to do it as a vocation. Those clergy who are not called to vocational ministry will struggle with it more than those who are. This issue is especially getting sticky with women who are called to ministry. Some denominations do not affirm that women can be in positions of leadership in ministry, and with the rise in Women's rights in America, this sense of entitlement bleeds over into the church.

I hate to break it to people but there is no Bill of Rights in the Bible. Actually the reverse is more true, a Christian is expected and invited to give up their rights completely to God. Talk about counter-cultural.

Being called to ministry is a call to self-sacrifice and surrender for God's glory and the benefit of those people you are called to serve. It is a privilege and a responsibility, and should be treated with the humility that such a blessing and show of trust deserves.

Wisdom From Weeding

2007-07-13T10:57:00.000-04:00

The month of July has me at my grandparents house in Oklahoma, where I have the task of helping them reclaim their lovely gardens from the weeds that have over-run the many different beds. This means long stretches (3-4 hours each morning) with nothing for my hands to do but pull weeds and my mind to wander (dangerous I know). I am finding that there is a good reason God placed his children in a garden to begin with, much can be learned from a garden. It is also interesting that the heart is referred to as a garden. Most of what follows will be loose analogies about the heart as a garden and sin as the weeds in them.

1. The earlier you start pulling weeds the less heat is in the day.
2. It is easier to work one area at a time, instead of jumping around.
3. To get the roots you have to grab right at the very bottom of the weed and pull hard.
4. Most of the weeds are the same ones you pulled last week, and the week before.... and the ones you'll pull next week, and the week after....
5. It helps to have the right tools for weeding (trowels, rakes, etc) (ie the tool of humility against the weed of pride).
6. Ground soaked with tears of repentance and streams of grace and mercy are easier to weed.
7. It is easier to start on the outside edges and work your way to the center of the garden.
8. You fight more than weeds when you garden (bugs, the sun, sweat, dirt, sometimes other plants).
9. You should weed your garden before you try to prune the plants.
10. Even good plants need trimmed back a bit from time to time.
11. A nice breeze and some shade helps a lot.
12. You can't ignore all the little weeds to work on the big ones, because then the little ones become big ones too.
13. The longer you ignore the weeds the bigger they get and the deeper their roots go.
14. It's a good idea to take a break from time to time and see how much you have already done.
15. Dirt reminds us where we've come from.
16. No matter how dirty you get all it takes is a lot of water to be clean again.
17. We tend to keep the front gardens clean and ignore the ones in the back yard.
18. Some times flowers grow in the "wrong" bed, you can either pull them and throw them away or transplant them back where they belong.
19. Be careful working around thorns.
20. What you didn't finish today will still be there tomorrow.

Bold Desperation

2007-06-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

An immediate eternity
when you realize
there is nothing left to lose
except everything

Can a single moment
transform entirely
a life scarred from living
without healing?

Every soul reaches a point
of bold desperation.

Faced with the choice:
reach for that with no hope of obtaining
or
resign to a life of meaningless be-ing

I choose a life of Bold Desperation.

~ June 27th, 2007

What is it about God that attracts desperate people. The Bible is filled with stories of people coming to God out of their desperation. Hannah, the bleeding woman, Naaman, the list goes on. Why do people try everything in their power first? And why is God the one thing people reach for the most for healing? Could it be because he, alone, actually has the ability to grant us what we are desperate for? I say yes, because each of us has been desperate at some point in our lives, whether we know what we are desperate for or not. Thousands of years God has been the one who people turn to. So many come to God thinking "what do I have to lose" and those who walk with him realize that in that moment of desperation they have lost everything. It's the great paradox of our faith, we come to God thinking we are empty and broken and he takes us and dumps out all the garbage we have been filled with and then he shattereds us. Then he carefully reforms us and refills us with his goodness. The thing for believers is that we must continually live in a moment of bold desperation. Knowing the thing we desire is hopelessly beyond our grasp yet reaching for it all the same, with a faith that says "just maybe God will hand it to me after all."

Lost Little Lamb

2007-05-01T20:39:00.000-04:00

Like the lamb of Jesus story
I have wandered far away
Lost upon the arid hillside
So proudly gone astray.

Now I'm stranded upon a precipice
The foolish heights I climbed
I understand perfectly
The fault is mine.

I should have stayed with Jesus
Kept close to his side
Allowed the shepherd to lead
His sheep that is blind.

Night is falling quickly
The wind and wolves howl
Predators circle around me
Ready for the kill.

There in the distance
A familiar lamp I see
Then hear the Gentle Shepherd
Inviting, "come follow after me"

But I am still uncertain
Of the darkness and the path
And fearfully I cry
"In the shadows will I die?"

So the Shepherd hurries
Down to where I remain
He lifts me to his shoulders
Whispering my name

"My little lamb don't worry,
I was always here."

"I watched as you climbed
And wandered from my fold
I allowed you your freedom
So reckless and bold"

"Maybe now you've learned
To stay, safe beside me,
In everlasting day."

Thy Kingdom Come....undone???

2007-04-26T21:32:00.000-04:00

Today in chapel I was granted a rare glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven. We have a group of students that comes to Wilmore for 6 weeks for several years and they get a degree. The rest of the year they return to their homes across the world. Well several of them are about to graduate and go home so we began to pray for them and lay hands on them. They stood in the middle of the chapel and we filled in the asiles around them. Then when we were done we all just stayed there to sing the closing hymn. The Singing Sems had sung earlier so about 40 of us were in blue robes (including me). Behind me was a woman from China, on my right was a man from Brazil, on my right was an Asian (i think he's Korean but not sure) and next to him was a man from Malaysia and in front of me were a bunch of Americans. It reminded me so much of the passage we read in Revelation this morning of the great throng of people from every tribe and tongue and nation all robed in white worshiping God together. It truly was a kingdom moment.

and then...
We have an online discussion that is leaning toward being hostile (and definitely borders on unChristian) about what does it mean to be an American, who should be an American, what we should do with "illegal immigrants" etc. It's beginning to rip apart our community. Which is terrible because we have such an amazing international presence on campus. Instead of reaching out in love to our brothers and sisters in other countries, and loving the aliens (legal or not) in our midst, we are building walls against them and against each other and I wonder....where is the love of Christ for these lost people, for those society has cast aside? I wonder how we can all pray "God's kingdom come" as we help it to come undone??

The Veil

2007-04-17T23:48:00.001-04:00

Why do we struggle so hard, so pitifully, to re-hang the veil in our heart when God has so graciously rent it? What is it in our spirit that compels us try and hide from the one who always sees us? It's been that way from the beginning, as soon as we realized our sin we began to place things between us and God. For Adam and Eve it was fig leaves. For me, it's shame or distance. I know when I've sinned, and some part deep within me doesn't want the holy God to see me. Even though I know I can't hide from God, that doesn't stop me from trying and then I just feel worse because I've run from God's love. One of the lines in the Methodist confession we repeat before Communion is "we have rejected your love." That line always stabs my heart the deepest, because I know that when I try to hide from God I'm rejecting his love. By trying to rehang the veil between us I am rejecting God's love. And the scary thing is I'm not sure how to take the veil back down.....

two passions, one story

2007-04-12T19:54:00.000-04:00

God has given me two great passions. This week both fires have been kindled to a fierce intensity. Conversation after conversation, and random passings have continued to stoke the fire. What I'm realizing is that they are in essence the same story, the story of a beloved in bondage and abuse. The only difference is the scale.

I ache for the church universal. I ache when I remember how much she has been abused, and how much of that has been self-inflicted. I ache that Jesus' prayer in the garden (John 17) is as yet a prophecy unfulfilled. I don't believe that Jesus prays prayers that are impossible, so it is a promise that the church will eventually be reconciled to her God and to herself, but how long O Lord must we wait for that precious reality? How long will we continue to run from you? How long will we fight among ourselves, those you have commanded us to love? I talk to some who say this will never happen, and then I talk to others and see glimmers that it is a process already begun and I wonder which is more true. And all my soul cries and prays that it is the latter. Give us your love Abba. Let is burst forth from those who claim to be your children, overwhelming our sisters and our brothers, drowning the world with your love. Daddy, I love your church, but her suffering breaks my heart, because I don't even know where to begin her healing. I don't know which Truth she needs to hear the most, yet I fear to keep silent, your prophets have remained silent for too long. I fear that it will take another Exile before we again become "your people". If that is what it takes I pray that you would not delay it, but if there is still hope, stay your anger and call us again to confession and repentance, let us respond with contrite hearts and humble obedience. Be our God, oh Adoni, make us your children.

Saturday

2007-04-07T23:07:00.000-04:00

that darkest night
was Saturday
Friday's tears
already wiped away
now only grief
empty and unending
hope had disappointed, after all
was life worth living
death had triumphed
over Christ,
the Messiah lay buried,
a victim to death's thrall.

Then Easter dawned
and hope renewed
Christ is Risen
the old is now new.

When You Believe

2007-03-30T00:37:00.000-04:00

This song came into my mind during chapel today. Considering the season so many of us are walking through right now I think that we need to let these words sink into the depths of our hearts.

"Lord, we belive, help our unbelief (doubts)".

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof
anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
So swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is very near(Ohhh)

There can be miracles(Miracles)
When you believe(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill(Hard to kill, Ohhh)

Who know what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe,somehow you will(somehow,somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
Just believe...just believe
You will when you believe

-Miriah Carey from "The Prince of Egypt"

Guilt

2007-03-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

Twice in the last three days has an old wound been prodded in my heart. Since high school I have carried the guilt of the vilest sin. I am a murderer. I killed my Lord. I know that it was my sin that deserved the cross, the cross should have been mine. But in an act of unfathomable grace Jesus took it upon himself. He laid on the cross as I took the hammer in my hand and violently drove the nails into his flesh. Maybe that is why I have compassion on Judas, on Peter, on the soliders, Pilate, Caiphas, I see myself no different from them. Even as I proclaim the fact that Jesus died so that we might be forgiven, I stand in condemnation of myself. I can only begin to imagine the cost of my sin and to know that Jesus did that for me, because of me, I am haunted by a guilt that I cannot escape.

Guilt has kept me in bondage for far too long. Every time I condemn myself I say that I am beyond his forgiveness, which is a lie. God brought a passage to me this morning during Communion. Hebrews 10 is all about how Christ sacrifice was the final one required, his blood was the perfect offering for atonement.

"If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins." (10:2)

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Christ came not only to forgive us from our sins, but also to free us from the guilt that they bring. How amazingly humbling is that realization to one who has long been condemned by guilt of sins? How freeing!!

It's been almost 5 years since I wrote this poem, while on my Chrysalis flight, but the truths in it still speak loud.

"The Ruined Cross" or "The Priceless Gift"

The ruined cross lay before me
the evidence was clear
every nail that I had driven
had caused another tear.

And as I watched my sins amount
from the heart of Christ
a crimson flow
burst out.

Soon the cross was covered
not a splinter left.
For with my nail holes
God gave the Priceless gift.

Destroyed

2007-03-06T23:47:00.000-05:00

Chapel today was amazing. We had a guest artist come in and he told the story of the Passion of the Christ through sand art. Each scene built upon the one before it and it was constantly shifting and changing. There was one scene that was particularly poignant for me. Right after Judas kisses Jesus, the artist threw sand all over the picture completely destroying everything he had worked to create. Sometimes I feel that is what we do with our relationship with Christ. We put so much time and energy into creating something beautiful and then in a moment of thoughtlessness we destroy everything.

The other thing that occurred to me during chapel, which had me in tears for a half hour is realizing that the cross is going to destroy me. Every Lent, for the past 4 years, has gotten harder and harder to walk. I think it is because the Cross is becoming more real to me. It's not just some historical fact, or religious story. The Cross is this imposing, powerful reality that I am slowing being crushed under the weight of its truth and glory. The thing is I'm not really scared about being destroyed, about having my whole identity swallowed up by the Cross. Part of me still struggles to maintain my independence, but that piece is becoming smaller and smaller (Praise God).

He Follwed at a Distance

2007-03-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Mark 1: 16-18
Mark 14: 26-31, 53 – 54, 66 – 72

He followed at a distance. I think that is one of the saddest verses in the gospel, and it is probably one of the most overlooked as well. So much is happening in this chapter it is easy to get focused on Jesus’ trail or on Peter’s denial. I think that the real question is not what Peter did, but why. Why after swearing he would not deny Christ did he go and do it anyway?
The first time we meet Peter is in chapter 1. He is out fishing when Jesus calls him. His response is to immediately leave everything to follow Jesus. Then in chapter 8, Peter confesses Jesus as Messiah. It seems Peter has it all figured out. So what happened Friday night?

To Peter’s credit he was one of two disciples who actually followed Jesus after he was arrested. Peter followed Jesus right into the courtyard of the high priest. A courtyard filled with temple guards. It is likely that several of those gathered around the fire had just come back from Gethsemane and here Peter is, standing in the midst of them. Maybe he was counting on the shadows and the darkness to hide him till he could figure out what was going to happen to Jesus. It’s understandable that when the servant girl asks him if he was with Jesus that he would play dumb, “I have no idea what you are talking about.” When she brings others into it I can imagine him getting pretty jittery, feeling backed into a corner, “You must have me mistaken for someone else.” By the third time, he figures that’s he is caught, so this time, “I swear to God I’m not this man.”

Then it clicked. Matthew & Luke both say “he went out and wept bitterly”, Mark says “he broke down and wept”. The point is Peter was devastated by his own lack of faith. My thought is that Peter’s faith crumbled because he had been “following at a distance.” He wanted to be close enough to Jesus for the benefits, without the dangers that came with being a “follower of Christ.” He wanted it both ways and when he realized he couldn’t, he broke like Humpty Dumpty. Peter’s story could have the same tragically sad ending, but it doesn’t, because while all the kings’ horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again, the king could. Peter is restored and according to tradition he ultimately ends up making good on his promise in the garden by being crucified upside-down in Rome for proclaiming Jesus Christ.

Where does that leave us today? The call is still the same for us as it was for Peter and the other disciples. “Follow me?” How close are we willing to follow Christ? It’s easy to say “Oh I’ll follow him to the very end. I’ll die for him.” Peter said the exact same thing, and that was after literally following him for three years. The problem is that we often don’t know how far we will actually go for Christ until we are tested. In America it is unlikely that a confession of Jesus Christ will lead to death. Unfortunately this means it is all too easy to be a semi-follower of Christ. As long as we keep him in sight we consider it good enough. Personally I would love to be following so closely I keep stepping on his heels. I pray that you share the same desire.

“Abba, you invite each of us to journey in your footsteps. But we confess that we are lazy, or scared, or have a thousand different excuses for not following you as closely as we should. I pray you give us faith enough to follow close to you. Let us not be content following you at a distance. Draw us into closer and deeper relationships with you. We pray all this in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

Come Find

2007-03-01T18:52:00.000-05:00

Warrior, come find your rest
at the foot of my cross
let my flowing blood
heal your wounds.

Princess, come find your place
at the foot of my cross
let me crown of thorns
bring glory to your head.

Child, come find your Father
at the foot of my cross
let my Abba
hold you close.

Wanderer, come find your home
at the foot of my cross
let my Spirit
make you welcome here.

Student, come find your teacher
as you gaze upon my cross
let my wisdom
bring understanding to your heart.

Preacher, come find your Pastor
hanging on my cross
let my grace
bring peace enough.

Sinner, come find forgiveness
at the foot of my cross
let my mercy
bring complete holiness.

To all,
he invites,
"Come find."

Inconvenient

2007-02-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

(the butler) "Did you just find God, sir?"
(William) "No, I think he found me (a dramatic pause) ...do you know how inconvenient that is?"

Watching Amazing Grace this weekend with several other seminary students was fun. When this line was shared early in the movie we all laughed with a "yeah, we do" kind of laugh. Most of the stories I've heard from people here begin with how God coaxed, cajoled, coerced, and other wise connived to get us to seminary. This was not in the plan for most of us. Yet here the Lord of Everything has seen fit to interrupt whatever plans we might have had. For me that involved moving halfway across the country, leaving everything that was home for me, especially my church, not to mention the student loans for tuition. Now my whole life is centered around God's will. Inconvenient barely covers it.

Yet I think about it and I marvel at the truly amazing Grace that would call me to ministry. At the Grace that saw my own plans for my life and said "I've got something better for you, if you want it." When I realize that I am humbled and honored at the same time. I think John Newton (the author of Amazing Grace) said it most eloquently, "I remember that I am a great sinner and that Christ is a great savior." I would wish to make one slight modification, "I remember that I am a great sinner and that Christ is a greater Savior."

Lent

2007-02-22T21:41:00.000-05:00

Philippians 2:5-8

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
But made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death --
even death on a cross!"

This season of Lent dawned yesterday. It's strange to say dawned when we talk of a season focused on repentance, mourning, fasting and confession, where the liturgical color that adorns the altar and covers the windows is black (or dark purple), and it's begun by the imposition of ashes to our foreheads. Not the most cheerful of sunrises. But Lent is amazing for two main purposes, the first is that it points us to Easter. To that great Son rise. The second is that it is a season of rest. Or at least that is how God has revealed it to me.

We are a society of strivers, over achievers, manipulators, controls and perfectionists, and Seminarians are the worst of them all most of the time. But Lent reminds us that we are frail. The woman who marked me yesterday told me as she placed the ashes on my head, "Remember dear one, you are frail, believe in Jesus."

Lent is a time to remember that we are fallen, as individuals and as the human race in its entirety. A time to remember that no amount of striving can grant us the forgiveness our hearts cry out for, that doing good does not undo evil. Lent is a time that reminds us we are helpless when we are faced with our sin. But Lent also reminds us that though we are helpless, we are not hopeless. The ashes are mixed with anointing oil, a reminder of Isaiah 61:3. They are marked in the form of a cross, proclaiming to ourselves and each other that this miraculous exchange takes place under the cross. As Christians we confess that we cannot save ourselves, and instead we have thrown ourselves upon the mercy of the cross.

This Lent God has gently asked me for one thing. He has asked me to abide in him. I'm careful to distinguish "in him" and "with him". As long as I abide with him, I have refused to surrender my will, I continue to struggle and strive and fail. When I learn to find my whole identity consumed by Christ, to literally find my life "now hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3), I will be at peace. The irony of Lent is that for me to obtain the humility of Christ I must first confess that I cannot obtain it on my own. That I must depend on God to give it to me, which implies a faith that he will, and a risk that he won't.

So this Lent is an invitation to rest. To put aside your striving and struggling and find yourself concealed in the arms of a God that loves you enough to die for you the most horrific death. It is an invitation to call upon the abundant and extravagant mercy of our Savior.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen" (Numbers 6:24-26)

I lost the Cross

2007-02-21T09:48:00.001-05:00

Somewhere along my journey
Through these hollowed halls
Amid the discussions
In towers with ivory walls

I lost the cross
It slipped from view
A little at a time

Hidden under discourses
Of soteriology
And chiastic charts
The shame of it ceased to burn my heart

I lost the cross
It slipped from view
A little at a time

It’s only by God’s grace
I realize now
That he has never
Let me slip from his view

Abiding

2007-02-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

Striving,
straining
never obtaining

exhausting,
despairing,
surrender refusing

controlling,
clutching,
still losing.

Abiding,
resting,
beloved by heaven.

"As We Forgive"

2007-02-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

"And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors."

~ Matthew 6:12 (NRSV)

I figure it's about time to put some of this seminary learning to actual use.
Disclaimer * Keep in mind that I've only been in IBS Matthew and Concise Greek for 2 class periods, so take things with a grain or two of salt. *

How many of us have prayed "The Lord's Prayer"? How many of us have actually taught on it? I know I have taught it at least twice. Both times (not to mention every time I've read it or prayed it) I've managed to miss this subtly. The second statement in this verse is in the past tense (in both the NRSV and the original Greek). Read it carefully, "as we also have forgiven." Yup it's something that has already been done by the petitioner (that'd be the person praying it). I'm not sure if that revelation unsettles anyone else, but it sure does bother me. Maybe because I realize that there are people that I haven't forgiven yet, people I know I should have forgiven long ago. Or people I say I've forgiven when in my heart I haven't. It's scary because when I pray this prayer I'm asking God to forgive me the same way I already have forgiven people, which translates into half-heartedly at best. *gulp*

This idea of forgiveness is so important that as soon as Jesus ends his prayer he launches into an elaboration of the concept. He makes sure to carefully spell out what he expects from his disciples. This is one of the few conditional demands Jesus places on his followers, "God will forgive you, if you forgive others". I'm not sure how that jives with the theology that has been preached to me all my life. Most of it runs more along the lines of Luke 7 (the sinful woman who anoints Jesus) which is the idea that we can only forgive people after we've been forgiven.

I think the harmony of these two ideas lies in realizing the state of the person involved. The sinful woman can't forgive others until she comes to God to receive his forgiveness for herself, whereas the prayerer in Matthew 6 addresses God as Father. Clearly the use of such an intimate term indicates that the child of God has already received the initial salvation of forgiveness. As such it is part of the responsibility, truly the privilege, to extend that same forgiveness to others. To withhold our forgiveness from others doesn't mirror Christ, nor does it follow the lines from earlier in the prayer which talk about doing God's will.

I fear that the Church as a whole, and believers as individuals are sorely lacking in the ability to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, and also to accept forgiveness when it's extended. It's a flaw that is continuing to cripple the Church. The churches that still use the liturgy of a "high church" (think Anglican, Episcopals, Lutherans) get the words right at least. At every service there is a time of corporate confession and forgiveness, the celebrant offers forgiveness to the congregation on behalf of Christ, and then in an amazing act of leveling the field of believers, the congregation turns around and forgives the celebrant with the same grace of Christ. Accepting that forgiveness is a whole other issue, because it means we have to come clean with ourselves before our Savior and admit that we need forgiveness because we aren't perfect. I'm still learning how to do this gracefully, and I'm learning how to offer forgiveness (true forgiveness, not just a stubborn child muttering "I'm sorry." and "It's ok"). It's a process. But one that needs to be done. In closing I would like to leave you with some pretty powerful words, and I hope you let them sink deep into your soul.

"In the Name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven."

The Princess & the Warrior

2007-01-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

The warrior runs deep
she lives within my veins
the power she wields
comes only through your Name.

Now you are asking me
to lay her aside
relinquish my sword
surrender my helm.

Yet I wonder why?
Why did you create her,
train her,
use her.

Was I only your warrior
for one short season?

The princess is
a concept so foreign to me
as your child I'd rather run wild
and be free.

How to be both
right now I cannot see.

At last I understand
it was through victory
I hoped you would
accept me.

Yet all the while you were asking,
"Dear child, please come to me,
find rest and peace, abide in me,
and simply be....

...be the woman I intended you to be
from the very dawn of eternity."

So Lord, I make this promise
as true as it can be
that by your grace alone
a princess will this warrior be.

Faith Endures Through Seasons

2007-01-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

As winter thaws with spring’s light
And summer sets the test
Autumn cools the summer burn
And winter lets us rest

The pattern set
With holy hand
Earth spinning
At God’s command

Frost gives way to glory’s rays
And heat refines the pilgrim way
Autumn brings a harvest rich
And winter makes us blessed

The pattern set
With holy hand
Earth spinning
At God’s command

Spring again comes full of light
Followed by summer’s blight
Autumn begins the cooling night
And winter covers all in white

The Rose

2007-01-20T00:16:00.000-05:00

The rose is near unfolded
Only the last petals remaining
Concealing a sacred treasure deep inside

This rose’s beauty
Lies in its fragile imperfection
With scars that only come through living

And the richness of its color
Not the innocence of pink
Or the passion of red
But of both colors an equal blend

Even as I watch
The last few petals unfold
Allowing me to catch a glimpse
Of glory long untold

And then I realize
That I am this rose

The Path From Hell

2007-01-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

My heart says yes
My head says no
and I'm left wondering
which way to go.

Faith is evidence
of things unseen
but to this reality
what does it all mean?

I stand here waiting
for a clear sign to appear
listening in silence
His voice to hear.

Maybe he will tell me
what it is I'm to be
or maybe he is leaving
my destiny up to me.

Which is wiser
I cannot tell
All I know is I must
follow closely, follow well.

Who knows?
Perhaps time will tell
my heart and head
which path leads from hell.

Twas the Night

2006-12-25T03:09:00.000-05:00

Twas the Night

Twas the Night before Christmas

and I laid awake
listening for the one sound
for which my heart ached

It wasn't for sleigh bells
or for reindeer hoofbeats
not even the sound of silent snowflakes

It was something much smaller
but far more dear
for which I prayed with inclined ear

It was the sound of an infant's cry
because in that frail noise
was the voice of Adonai

I listened tonight
for the songs of angels
to hear the heavenly light

I listened tonight
for the bleating of lambs
surrounding the most holy Lamb

I listened tonight
for the wisemen's words
as they knelt in worship of the most holy Word

but Alas! I fear
that nothing I hear
but I'll hold out hope
for His Advent next year!

O Come, O Come Immanuel

2006-12-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

All season this song has lingered in my head. It's not that annoying feeling you get when you get part of some jingle stuck in your head that you want out. It's like this song is trying to bore into my soul, to embed itself deep inside me with it's message. I've wondered why we sing a song asking God to come during the season we celebrate the very fact that he came to live among us. Why this haunting melody when so many other Christmas and Advent songs are joyous and full of wonder and praise?

I think it is because the Church, the new Israel, still lives in captivity. Her only hope lies in the deliverance of Immanuel, not born as a human child, but coming again in the full glory of God. It is faith in the promise that he will return for his Church that allows us to rejoice even while we remain in exile.

Somehow this song, with all it's verses (which it's a shame aren't as well known), links the God of the Old Testament to the God of the New Testament, it links to Moses, to David, to Jesus.

My question is what are we expecting during this season of Advent? I don't know if I have an answer yet.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-star, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads to Thee,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come to lead us Adonai,
Who to the tribes on height of Sinai
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Redemption

2006-12-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

It's of of those "churchy" words. The ones that non-Christians rarely, if ever use. And Christians barely understand, at least not completely, and that's ok. It was a word, an idea, that was lacking at the church service I went to this morning (this is not a reflection on that particular church as much as it is on the Church). The cantata went further than most in sharing the fact that the Baby Jesus of Christmas is also the crucified Christ of Good Friday. Unfortunately they left it there. They shared nothing of the Resurrection. Maybe they took it for granted that their audience would know how they story ended (which is probably true). As Christians it is our job to, "tell the Truth, the whole Truth, so help us God." (hmmm maybe we should make that part of a discipleship oath).

To be honest I don't even know the full depth of Redemption, and God has had me hung up on this word for months, despite my best attempts to ignore it. It's a heavy word, a loaded word, a word that demands a response. What does it mean to redeem something? To buy it back seems so cold, so business like. To offer something in exchange, is still a bartering system. The Redemption of God is sooo much more than that. Yes Christ bought us back, yes he did that by exchanging his perfect life for ours. His redemption is not just about a ransom, its about restoration, even more than that it is about renovation. God takes us from our slavery to sin, and doesn't restore us simply to our original Edenic state, as creatures, but he instead makes us his children. That is Redemption God-style.

The thing about redemption though is that the more we understand it and absorb it, the more we realize we will never understand it. That it is more wonderful, deeper, and more intense than we can ever fathom. That is the redemption I am living for, and learning to live in.

Flying

2006-12-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

What is it about flying
that turns our imagination so
why with every thought
do we dream of letting go

We write books of dragon riders
and fairies with iridescence wings
wizards on broomsticks
all wonderful, magical things

We create machines
to lift us from the earth
space shuttles and airplanes
all technical, science's worth

But that still doesn't answer why...
why that desire to be free
is embedded so deeply
in the heart of humanity

I believe it is because
gravity is our first chain
the most constant
for every living thing

So while all we do is dream
for flying to make us free
let's remember
It's God who makes us free.

Home?

2006-12-15T23:36:00.000-05:00

All semester that one little 4-letter word has unnerved me. When people ask if I'm going home for (pick a holiday) I'm never quite sure what to say. Is home the place I grew up, San Antonio, to some yes, but now that I don't live in that house any more, it's awkward calling that home. Is home the place where I felt the safest? That would be NH (the people far more than the actual building). That was my sanctuary, and my support network, and my ministry for so much of who I am now. But I realize that NH won't be the same any more. Which is a good thing. I'm not the same person I was when I left in August (leaving the identity crisises alone). I've grown, a lot, in a lot of different areas. Is home where my family lives (especially my parents)? They moved to Missouri last Christmas, I've never spent more than Thanksgiving break at this house, in a city where I know only one other person (Mike from NH). Is home where I am currently living, the Asbury Community? I wouldn't have thought so before today. I try not to get attached to colleges cause I know i'm just there temporarily. But after crying when I left this morning (I've only been here a semester and I'll be back in a month). I'm rethinking that. Is home Heaven? Yes, but I hope it's awhile before I establish permenant residence there.

"Home is less about where you are living, and more about who you are loving." That was the piece of advice I gave one of my girls as she left for her first year of college. There is more truth to that than I realized at the time. In that case I am blessed infinitely because I have so many homes. I have so many people who love me, further proof of the grace of God upon my life. I may not have a ready answer when I'm asked where home is, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing after all.

A ride

2006-12-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

Buckle up and hold on tight
it's going to be a long ride
through an even longer night

with twists and loops
to make you scream
they'll even turn your face green

raise your hands high
its all downhill
like some crazy thrill

it's not going to help
to cling to the bar
"please keep all hands and feet inside the car"

What's the name of this ride
that you got stuck on
well my friend, it's a little thing we call
LIFE!!

A Season of Hope

2006-12-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord."

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

Lamentations 3:18-22

This passage at first glance seems incongruous to the whole season of Advent, which began yesterday. Yet here my daily quiet times had me reading the book of Lamentations, a book remembering the fall of Jerusalem, the burning of the temple, and the carrying off of the Jews into Exile. Everything that they had hoped from the Lord, the promises of his blessing are gone. Not much chance of hope.

The prophet Jeremiah says otherwise. He says despite all of the bad things that have happened there is still hope. He places his hope in God’s character, not in his actions. It is so easy to say “well God did this to me so he must be (fill in the blank).” Instead of looking at it this way, “God is loving (as Jeremiah did), even if he allowed this to happen.” It’s all a matter of perspective.

Which brings me to Advent. This is a season of hope, of believing in the promises of prophecy as they come true before your eyes, and more importantly in your heart. It is one thing to hear the promise “unto us a son is born, unto us a son is given (Isaiah 9:6).” It is another thing entirely to realize that promise is for you as an individual, this child that is born, is born for you, he is given to you for the salvation of your sins. This internalization of a promise does not however negate its promise for the larger community, it actually enhances it. If the Christ-child is born in my heart, if his life is lived out through my own, it allows others to see the hope of salvation, and to desire the promises for themselves.

Jeremiah places his hope in God’s character, we should do likewise. We should remember that God is always and forever a God of love and compassion. Jeremiah says that his compassions (note the plural) never fail. It was his love and compassion that motivated him to make the promises through the prophets, and his faithfulness to fulfill them in the gift of his precious son to us. That is a cause for great hope this season, and every season.

To surrender or to submit

2006-11-27T19:19:00.000-05:00

Most people would say that they are essentially the same word. But I'm a words person, and I know that they are clearly not the same word. It is, unfortunately, the subtlest difference in the meanings that creates the dilemma for me. To surrender implies a military defeat, you give up or give in because you have been vanquished by a superior force, but only after giving it your best shot first. To submit has quite a different spin on it, it is a willingness to lay aside power and control, in deference to another, not because you have to, but because you desire to. Maybe I'm splitting hairs, or making too big a deal out of this, but it is where my heart is.

Am I willing to surrender to God only after I've exhausted myself trying to fight against him? This is the case most of the time, I throw fits and temper tantrums, and kick and scream, until I finally just pass out, and say "Ok, daddy" with a pout. And the truth of the matter is I act very much like a child a lot of the time, for all my "maturity" and being "old for my age". And I know it's time for me to grow up, "but I don't wanna".

To submit, is a mature choice. To realize that I need to lay aside my rights, my privileges, my desires for another's. To accept that when I'm told no it's not so that I can't have any fun. I don't like to be told no. And I really hate to admit that it's right. I fought so hard to get my independence, to be able to decide what to do, and when to do it. Now I'm being asked to submit to another's authority, and I'm chaffing and trying desperately not to pitch a fit. I want to be grown-up already. It's frustrating. I'm in a no win situation.

Walls

2006-11-26T00:43:00.000-05:00

I wrote this a year and a half ago. But the words are truer than ever. It appears something change really slowly.

Walls I built
I’ve forgotten why
To keep the world out
And stones were placed
Instead of faith
Hiding all my doubt
From evil eyes
And wagging tongues
Who’d hurt me if they could
Silence replaced the safety
Of my towering cliffs
Leaving me alone
In the self-created abyss
Yet higher still the rocks
They pile
Protecting me from you
Ensuring you can’t hurt me now
And never, ever will
Fortresses of rock
Locked me deep inside
A prisoner I’ve become
To my sacred pride

Walls I’ve built
Now I know why
It was to keep you out
And stones were placed
Instead of faith
Hiding all my fear
From caring eyes
And loving arms
Who’d hold me if they could
Be allowed to touch me
To spring me from my trap
Placing me inside
Mercy’s grace-filled lap

Lord free me
From the dungeon
My fear has built for me
Come in and be my rescuer
Remove myself from me
Tear down the walls I’ve built
So solid and secure
Undo every stone I’ve place
To make a bridge toward you
Carry me across
The chasm O so deep
And teach me once for all
Not to look before I leap.

- June 12th, 2005

Return me to the Desert

2006-11-24T00:14:00.000-05:00

Return me to the Desert
to that lonely, long dark Night
when every single moment
took an eternity to fight a losing fight

Return me to the Desert
where transformation began
lead me to the wilderness
with firm and tender hand

Return me to the Desert
to the empty abyss
until I've learned the lesson
He must become more, I less

Return me to the Desert
despite my fearful cry
abandon me to myself
till I will "come & die"

Return me to the Desert
of silence and doubts
I know going in
I'll be better coming out

Return me to the Desert
where prophets come undone
even where the devil
tested your very own Son

Return me to the Desert
the one place more
than any other
I do not wish to be

Lord, return me to the Desert
Out of my captivity.

I finally give up

2006-11-21T00:46:00.000-05:00

I've had enough of my own will. I realized on the 10 hour drive that when an iron will is bent against itself all it manages to do is sharpen itself till it cuts anyone who comes near. And I realize now that there is not a blessed thing I can do about my stubbornness, any thing I try will only give more power and resolve to my will. So I give up, God help me, I know that he's the only one who can. I don't want to be broken, because I know it will be painful, but not being broken is even worse because it means my wounds will only fester underneath my masks.

*This is my confession, don't read it if you don't care*

I'm tired of pretending I know what's going on all the time, and that I have everything perfectly under control. I'm tired of climbing into the box of perfectionism and being the "super-Christian" everyone (including me) expects me to be. I'm tired of using boxes to push other people away. I'm a mess right now, I have deep hurts that go back so far I don't even know when I received them, or that I'd even been hurt, and each layer is pulled back to reveal even deeper hurts. I have demons that oppress (not possess, that is an impossibility) me because I allow them to, because I've grown comfortable with their company, believing their lies. I'm tired of being general manager of my universe, which is falling apart around me, because I'm not powerful enough to hold it all together. I'm tired of pushing away people who get too close to me, close enough to actually see the scars on my heart, and who aren't content to let them stay there. I'm tired of reaching out for God with one hand, and pushing him away with the other. I'm tired of doubting his love, and his goodness, his ability and willingness to forgive a sinner such as me. I'm tired of leaning on my own frail faith. I'm terrified that I'll be returned to the desert and I'll be destroyed there, that some how I would get lost in the valley of the shadow, trapped wandering in an endless dark wilderness. I'm afraid that I'll lose hope. I'm afraid that I'll fail, that God will ask something of me, will give me some responsibility, and because of where I am, I will utterly fail. And even as I write these I recognize them as lies that I have given power over my life. Only one question really remains for me to answer, it's Jesus' question to the man who had been paralyzed for 38 years, "Do you want to get well?" Dear God, yes I want to be made well, not just healed. Have your way with me, I surrender myself to you will, do with me as you desire, even if it means destroying me in the process. I don't want to live any longer, I only long for Christ to live in me. Create me in a clean heart, O God. It's time...

Daddy's Hands

2006-11-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

This song was sung in chapel today. Based on where I am right now in the healing process I feel like sharing the lyrics. I'm dedicating this to both my fathers, who each loved me the best that they knew how.

"I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.I

remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Mama tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

I remember Daddy´s hands, working 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly, just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over, I´d live my life again.
And never take for granted the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love...In Daddy´s hands."
- Holly Dunn

Healing

2006-11-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

Why does it always seem like
the healing hurts more
than the initial pain?

Why are the wounds
that lie the deepest
the ones hardest to heal?

Why is pain inflicted
by those who
claim they care?

And why do I harbor
my deepest pains
when healing is already offered?

Why won't I trust
the only One capable
of healing me completely?

My faith is just too small
to let the Healer in
I know I am afraid
that I'll be hurt again.

So I'm asking now
my Father
please be tender in your healing
you're holding the heart of me.

An Unfair Box

2006-11-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

At best it is unseemly
At worst, an impossibility
A woman simply does not belong
In Christian ministry

I’ve heard the refrain
In all the different strains
It’s to the point that the lie
Is hardwired in my brain

I don’t belong with men
Who call upon the Lord
I should stay at home
Be quiet and submit

Part of me was lost
When I allowed them
To tell me
Who it is that I should be

Instead of listening
For the small voice
Who said,
“My daughter, look at me.”

To be fragmented
Is not what I deserved
The unity of my person
May yet still be preserved

I am a woman
That is one half of me
The other half is just as valid
God gave them both to me

I am a minister
Of the Gospel of Peace
Though at war
With those who would

Deny me my place
At odds
With those who try to box me
Where I am not to be

There is no dilemma
I am worthy of
Both ministry
And femininity
Because that is who God made me to be

I refuse to deny either half of me

Prophets

2006-10-26T00:20:00.000-04:00

I'm finding myself in a story
larger than any I ever dreamed
living alongside heroes
I have never seen

I've joined on the path
of those whose faith
has gone before
Men and women, a countless score

These characters are living
with words to say
that echo back
a millenium or more

Yet I am also learning
I have another role to fill
It is my voice, used for another
whose story I must tell

To the generations that follow
that they must truly hear
the message that has never changed
"The Kingdom of God is near."

Leaving Home

2006-10-22T22:56:00.000-04:00

I left my home
not believing I could not come back

They are my true family
even closer than blood

It's where I was born
where I lived
where I grew

part of me still wants to say
"It can't be true"

Yet part of growing up
is learning to let go

So I'll cherish the memories
made along the way
and treausre the lessons
so many gave to me

I'll look back with a smile
and forward with the faith
that was the inheritence
they left to me.

Gone fishing

2006-10-18T21:06:00.000-04:00

Reading the story of Jesus calling his disciples in Luke 5 has brought some interesting thoughts to mind.

When we catch men do we use a single line hoping they will take the bait. Do we sit there passively waiting for them to come to use? Or do we cast the widest net in the boat, trying to catch whatever is within reach?

I don't know much about fishing, but I do know that when you use a line you set the hook with a particular bait if you are trying to catch a specific type of fish. Unfortunately I see most Christians (myself included) doing this type of fishing, we have one lure in our tackle box because we are only wanting to reel in one type of believer.

It is interesting to note that water in the Bible often symbolizes chaos and remains the domain of mysterious sea monsters, and that it is this parallel that Jesus chooses to use for his fishermen followers. The world is equally perilous. And it is from this chaos that Jesus commands us to draw people out of.

The disciples try an excuse, "Lord, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything." But their faith comes quickly to the surface, "But if you say so we will." And they brought up nets that broke under the catch. The same abundance is promised to us. If we cast our nets in our own power we will continue to draw up empty nets, working ourselves into exhaustion. But if we allow Jesus to bless our attempts the nets will break.

I wonder if we will respond like Peter did, "Lord, go away from me, for I am a sinful man." We will see ourselves in relationship to Jesus and hopefully that recognition will compel us into a life of faithful obedience, a willingness to lay down our nets and follow wherever he leads.

So I think I'm gonna go fishin' what about you?

At His Feet

2006-10-12T20:17:00.000-04:00

At His feet the path begins
Ever winds around the bend
Circles back across the sea
Cutting through the mountain lee
Disappears in desert wastes
Lost in vast and open space
Wanders through the valley deeps
Into dark and aging keeps
But for every where the path may led
At His feet the pathway ends.
- May 19th, 2006

I was looking through some of my old poetry and short stories and stumbled across this. I thought it was fitting to share now.

Drowning

2006-10-11T23:30:00.000-04:00

The waves growing higher
the winds at their worst
the maelstrom rages
as rainclouds burst

the boat starts sinking
the ship's going down
just a minute longer
I know I will drown

Jesus appearing
on the crest of the wave
He stands assuredly
and beckons me to the same

I'm not all that brave
and not all that sure
"Lord, if it really is,
call me to you."

I step out once
hesitating again
I walk on the water
then stare at the wind

Though I go under
the water and waves
I know I'm held
in the arms of grace

and he won't let me drown.

The Desert

2006-10-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her....

"In that day", declares the LORD,
"You will call me 'my husband' ...

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

- Hosea 2: 14, 16, & 19

The desert is not a very romantic place to court a woman, but the desert is used by God repeatedly in Scripture. He leads a person or a people into the desert to speak to their hearts. He leads them away from every other distraction the world has to offer so they may hear his voice and respond. He led the Israelites out of Egypt, away from the luxury and the gods of their old lives so they could be called his people. He led most of the prophets out into the desert, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Elijah and Elisha. He even led his own Beloved Son, into the desert before his ministry began.

Why does the Church think she will be any different? In the passage above God promises to led her into the desert so that she will know his love, he will speak tenderly to her. Before she can be the Bride of Christ the Church must allow herself to be led out into the desert. She must learn to hear the voice of her bridegroom in the silence so that when she is returned to the world she can hear it over everything else, even if it is the softest whisper.

I believe it is time for the Church to move into the desert. It is time for us to let the LORD allure us unto himself. That he would call us "My Beloved People."

Remove the Veil

2006-10-06T23:18:00.000-04:00

Remove the veil
that hides her face
let her see you
in all your loving grace

Remove the veil
so all the world may see
the beauty of the Bride
a blessed purity

Remove the veil
so you may see
the Church you ransomed
from captivity

Remove the veil
that your Bride might be revealed.

Words

2006-10-05T09:42:00.000-04:00

words piling up
choking from the inside

hands of fury reaching
strangling from the outside

the words must come
but they must not

a river of power welling up
with no outlet

Release!
they break forth

the waves pound
and then subside

leaving me an empty reservoir
ready for more.

The Groom Waits

2006-10-04T19:33:00.000-04:00

The Bride has AIDS
and so the groom waits
for her to be healed
by his free grace

The Bride is a whore
and so the groom waits
for her to return
to her first love

The Bride is not dressed
and so the groom waits
for her to be clothed
in a robe of his own

The Bride is not crowned
and so the groom waits
for her to come beside him
and take her place

The Bride is not ready
and still the groom waits.

That Is Why We Fail

2006-09-30T20:46:00.000-04:00

"I don't believe it!" Luke Skywalker
"And that is why you fail." Yoda

It is a classic scene from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. In it Luke Skywalker struggles, and fails, to raise his ship out of the swamp he crashed into while Yoda watches. Yoda then demonstrates the power of the Force by lifting the ship out and setting it on dry land. To which Luke respondes incredulously, "I don't believe it."

Jesus shows his disciples an even greater power. "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father " (John 14:12). Greater things than Jesus! That just blows my mind, here is the Son of God, God himself, promising that I can do things like raise the dead, give sight to the blind, proclaim forgiveness for sins, and on and on. This promise wasn't just to the original 12 apostles, or the early church, God offers this power to any who call upon his name. Yet, how often to we avail ourselves of this power, not for our own uses, but for those who need to receive it? Why don't we throw ourselves into the current of God's power and let ourselves be used for his glory?

The simple answer is like Yoda's response. We fail because we don't believe. We, as Christians, don't believe that God would use someone like "me" (insert your name here), or worse yet we don't believe in a God that is able to do miracles. We may offer prayers for healing or for provision, but in the back of our mind is a little voice saying, "God doesn't do that any more, he can't or won't do..." and it is our unbelief that limits what God does. It is not that God is unwilling or unable, the block lies within our doubts and disbelief. We may even preach that our God is a God who does miracles, but in the deep parts of our heart we don't buy it. And that leaves Christians feeling much like Luke, frustrated at our inabilities and astonished by someone else who has enough faith to do, what others consider, the impossible.

My question is simple: "Do you believe?"

The Church as Samson

2006-09-28T00:21:00.000-04:00

Now that I've found my voice it's time to say something!Reading "A Peculiar People" by Rodney Clapp for one of my classes has provoked some interesting trains of thought about the Church (meaning the universal body of believers). He argues that the Church has grown so ineffective as to be almost useless. I agree with some of his statements, but was generally turned off by his judgmental tone.The Church reminds me much of Samson. Samson, like the modern Church, told the secrets of his strength to a harlot by the name of Delilah. The Church has traded the power of God for the pleasures of the world. We wonder why the Church has become helpless to the influences of culture, we bemoan the fact that the Church is infiltrated by all the things of this world. It's because we have opened the doors of our faith and invited the world into our bed. Like Delilah, the world has used that against us, to destroy us, to weaken and break us, to blind us and make us it's slaves.The Church has so little power now because we've given up the power that God promises us over and over again. It is His own power that he offers to every believer, to use in the strengthen and building up of His Church. That is not to say that the Church is without hope. Just as Samson's hair grew back, after he prayed to God for a chance to right his mistake, so God offers another chance. If we will confess our wandering hearts and return to Him as His people He will do mighty and powerful things through His Church once more. But the crucial question is, "Will she?" will the Church respond to the offer of forgiveness or will she continue to sacrifice the power of God for momentary pleasures and general acceptance from the culture. If she refuses then she will only grow more ineffective, irrelevant and archaic, unable and unwilling to proclaim that the Kingdom of God is at hand, to invite sinners to repent and believe and be saved. And she will have failed in the most important task she was assigned, "to be witnesses to...the ends of the earth."

Finding my Voice

2006-09-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

I've been here at Asbury for three weeks, and in that time I've been disoriented, overwhelmed, and completely blown away by the working of God on this campus. I've seen things, experienced things in such powerful ways that I know God is moving among his people. I am excited to be in the midst of such a stirring. I am finding my voice here. At first I just I took time to observe those around me, to listen to their voices, and to the meanings behind the words. The thing though is I'm quickly realizing that there is much that needs to be said, and few voices willing to speak.

I was worried when I got here that I would be the youngest here, and because of that I would not be taken seriously. While it is true that I am nearly the youngest (I've only found one other person who is younger than me), that is not an excuse to remain silent. I have been given a voice, and I am finding it here more than ever before. I am used to being the defender of the Christian faith against atheists and agnostics, now my voice is to call Christians to return to their first love. To prepare their hearts for the moving of God, to urge them to be ready for whatever is coming. I'm still learning when to speak, and what to speak, but I will not be silent any more.